Progress

So I should really be sleeping right now but honestly my whole internal clock has just been off for months. Getting out of my bed in the mornings has been the hardest part of my day, I could very easily spend the whole day in bed. I'm slipping at work, I can feel it. I should be getting in earlier and staying longer and working overtime with how busy I am, but it's been so difficult just managing to put in the bare minimum to get my hours in and do what has to be done that the idea of going above and beyond like I usually would, seems so unattainable. After my last post my two closest friends had very strong reactions to my sudden change of heart per say…

I ended up lashing out at both of them and saying purposefully hurtful things because there's nothing misery loves more than company. It's hard for me to understand that for everyone else, this situation seems like a no brainer, that they can't understand why I would even want to stay. For me, so much of the bullshit that goes on, I've become numb to and don't even recognize it for the crap that it is. This is part of the reason I started this blog, to help keep myself accountable. That night when I got home from work I immediately called the employee assistance program through work and began my slow journey of progress.

I've been to two therapy sessions now, I officially kicked my sister in law out, and have found new roommates. I'm still on the fence about the dog and have decided I'll keep him for a month or two with these new roommates and then decide one way or another then. Either he's too much of a burden when I have so much else going on in my life, or I can handle that burden for the trade off of having a fatty fur ball to cuddle up with.

I ended up going out with my First Everything last week. We went to the batting cages, got dinner and drinks. He paid, and we joked it was the date he never took me on.  To be fair neither of us had a car nor regular cash flow….when we were in high school. It'd been about 2 years since we'd last seen each other in person, it was just so nice to be with someone who knew me so well before I met my sailor. Someone who knew me better even than my best friends. Our relationship didn't end well at all, it was actually very nasty and hurtful, but about a year later he apologized for how he handled it and said he still loved me, but I was already with my Sailor. Spending time with the First reassured me that I am not all the things that the sailor has made me feel over the years. To be treated with respect and like I was special was an amazing change of pace. It was just the sort of self esteem boost I needed to write a very straight forward and mostly harsh email to the Sailor.

No sugar coating, not even a little. I told him how I no longer feel lucky to have him in my life that I can no longer see the happy future, that all I see are fights and disappointment. How I just see it getting worse when we have kids. I told him that it may take two people to get married but it only takes one to get divorced. I told him that I don't need his permission or acceptance to walk away from this. I told him that I don't have to like his family, or have a relationship with his mom, or keep the dog. That I don't have to give him the chance to prove to me that our relationship can be more and better, but that I am because I love him. I admitted to being harsh but said I was no longer going to be sorry or feel guilty for wanting more. That I grew up with a family dynamic that I had to learn to deal with because I couldn't control it, but that this I do. I chose to be with him, and I can choose to leave. That I'm not going to just "accept" things how they are and be grateful for what I have when  I know deep down I deserve more.

His email response was two days later and was mostly favorable I guess. It felt like he was finally hearing me and accepting his role in this situation. Saying how he's not going to give up on our marriage that I'm the love of his life, that he'll work with his parents to lay out some things. How it pains him to admit that his "bullheaded jackassery" has culminated in my withdrawing from him. How he never meant to push me away this way but that all he's every known is an argument is something to be won by any means necessary. There was lots of rambling, flowery language and tons of flattery. But he doesn't think that we need to be different people, that we just need to be more open and understanding, and a team first and foremost.

He may be able to become a better partner, but I still don't know if that is enough for me. There are things that I thought I was just apathetic about, but now I'm realizing I actually do care. Especially when it comes to what children of mine would be influenced by and exposed to. I'm at a point where I don't know if I like my husband enough to subject myself and my future offspring to his family for the rest of my life. It would be one thing if I believed different things than his family and they lived in another state and we only dealt with them during holidays and family trips. That will never be the relationship with his family. They are so co-dependent.

The therapist used the terms enmeshment, emotional incest, surrogate spouse. These are all the things that need to be overcome for us to actually have a healthy relationship. And all of these things, I cannot do anything about. They will only change if my Sailor recognizes their existence and wants to address them.

I'm going to keep going to therapy and work on getting back to a happy place, but I'm losing hope in the possibility that there's a light at the end of the tunnel for this relationship.

Crawling

So it's been a hectic two weeks since getting back from Cali. While I was out there the Sailor and I had a serious talk, I didn't get to say everything I had planned on saying, or with such conviction… but I got a lot of it out…

The conversation started Wednesday late afternoon when he got home from work and was lamenting how I'd almost been there a whole week and I had barely even touched him. And he was right, I was extremely standoffish the entire time that I'd been there, barely a hug hello, I was more concerned about seeing My BFF that was visiting. I don't think we even held hands… I'm sure from his perspective it certainly wasn't how he anticipated a visit from his wife after not seeing each other for almost a month. But my response was that I'm not just going to act like everything is ok.

In those three weeks between visiting him at training up in Rhode Island and the Cali trip, we had barely talked… I was ignoring most of his phone calls and only occasionally sending emails. Out of the few phone calls we had one of them I told him that I didn't  think I was ready to be married, that this wasn't how I pictured 24. I tried to explain to him how I now understood what everyone had meant about being so young to be making this decision. His response was that I know you just see the lives of all your friends and you feel like you're missing out… I really couldn't make him understand what I was trying to say…. I brought up how I didn't want to be a military wife and that if he hadn't joined than we wouldn't be married now. I lamented how maybe I should have listened to what people were saying, and he was like you don't listen to anybody especially not me. Which I scoffed at and said, ha we wouldn't be here if I didn't listen to you. That conversation ended with him saying I'm sorry I duped you into marrying me I hope it works out. The second phone call I told him I didn't want anything to do with my life anymore and I don't know how to fix that.  He said I'm sorry your life is so miserable. I said don't say it like that, don't make me feel guilty for being upset because it hurts you. He was like I was hurt when you didn't answer my phone calls for days.

So with his those two phone calls in mind.... His response to me was: Like everything is ok? What does that even mean? What do you want?! 

So in my frustration I said I want you to leave me. He said why because you want to but don't have the balls to do it.  So that was how the conversation began…

I told him about how I feel like we're not very compatible, and he wanted an example and for starters I said well I'm pretty much an atheist I will never support you if you choose to tell our children that they are sinning and going to hell. His response: you're just a skeptic, how can you be mad at me for something that's hypothetical (we've had numerous discussions about the possibility of having a child that is gay).

I told him how I find his family suffocating, that he may talk to his parents everyday but I don't even talk to my own everyday… His response: I'm sorry that my family loves you and just wants to be there for you. All you ever wanted was a family to be there for you without expecting anything else in return. And now that you have it you just hate it.

I told him that I hate the way he talks to me, that's he's disrespectful to me especially when we're around other people…how he makes me feel like I'm unwelcome and stupid when I'm meeting new people. That he constantly crosses the line between playful teasing and just being mean. His response: I do, do that and I'm sorry and it's something I need to work on. I just like making people laugh so I poke fun at someone I know who understands that I'm not being serious.

I brought up how his drinking has continually chipped away at my respect for him and that I didn't understand how all those awful things could happen and he still didn't want to change or thought anything was wrong with his behavior. His response: but I've been much better about that lately. (He's been out at sea a lot and hasn't had a car to join his fellow sailors who mostly live in Pacific Beach... So I really don't know if he's any better)

I told him about all the decisions that he's made in the last 5 years that affected our life together where I felt like he completely ignored me. How it feels like he thinks of me, but not about me. His responses: we weren't even engaged I always wanted to be in the military. I was landscaping and helping my mom. We both agreed that we would get married after I got into the military (lie….I distinctly remember him pushing to get married that summer after I graduated) I didn't want to go to Norfolk and I chose the other locations because they're high demand so that we had a greater chance of going to San Diego (if that's the case why didn't say that to me ever…..)

He said to me, you can't make me stop loving you, and I said there's nothing you can say that's magically going to make me happy. There were tears, so many tears… him saying why am I not good enough, I've never worked harder at anything, I love you, I'll do anything. Who loves you like I do? and I crumbled…. I started saying I'm so sorry you are a good man, it's me, it's my fault I'm sorry I can't be happy. It ended with us deciding that I should look into counseling…..

I don't know how to explain it, I don't understand why it happens, but bit by bit I'll lose my nerve and convictions and I don't want to hurt him, and I feel like an awful person for causing this much pain. Those are probably the main emotions he invokes in me… he makes me feel selfish and ungrateful. He asked me if I loved him, and I said of course I do, if I didn't I'd know what to do, this would be easier. His response: If you love me, we can do this. You may not always be happy, and it will be hard, but we can get through this. And I then gave way and let my husband love me….

I spoke with my mom the next day and told her everything and a lot of it she was angry about, but mostly said that I've been under too much stress compounded with the distance to make this type of a decision. That I need to make sure I do everything I can before I give up. That I should look into counseling. She said just try to relax and de-stress and have a good time.

I took her words to heart and I let go of all the anger I have towards his family and the dog and decided not to hold it against him.  I decided I wanted to enjoy being in beautiful San Diego in the home I made with my husband.  So for four days I got to be genuinely happy for the first time in months. It was nice to be with someone, to hold my hand, and cuddle, and kisses. I'm lonely. I've been lonely. Those days make me ache for a loving relationship. I want that in my life.

I went out there with plans to change my life. I wanted to get rid of the dog, I wanted to kick my sister in law out, and I was even debating asking him for a separation. I accomplished none of that and have come right back to the same situation. I brought all of this up with my Sailor and all he said was Jess has a new job now she should start paying you back, the dog will get better as he gets older, my mom said she'll come over everyday for a month and get him trained.

Instead offering the support I need... Like saying ok if this is what you need to do then I'll help smooth it over with my folks, he just asked me to try again and his throwing his parents at me. Like did he not hear the fact that I find them suffocating?? How is it that asking them to help out more with the dog seems like a good idea?!

A little over a week ago I decided to get a new car... Partially because my monthly payment is lower, sort of because the newer car has some sweet technology in it, but mostly because it was a change that I could make, that I had total control over and didn't need anyone's permission or need to care about anyone else's perceptions....

The Saturday before Easter I told my in laws that I'm officially looking for a new roommate, and I have an ad on Craigslist and have already showed the apartment a few times!

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm starting to get the ball rolling, I'm slowly crawling out of this hell hole of a life I've dug myself into.

How do you say…..

How do you say to someone who has been a huge part of your life for almost six years, hey I'd be totally fine if I never see you again, especially if it means I NEVER HAVE TO SEE YOUR FAMILY EITHER.

Like is there a nice way to say something like that? I don't really think so…but it's probably the most honest thing I could say…

My parents are all now aware of the situation for the most part, they may not know all the details, but they know how dire it all is.  None of them want me to give up just yet, they all think I should try professional counseling first, and get rid of all the other stressors in my life before making this decision. My dad also tried to remind me how much of an impact being apart can have… That it makes it very easy to focus on all the bad things and forget all the good things you like about a person.  And I said to him I know that there's a lot going on right now that could be clouding my judgement, and I know very well that the separation is not helping, but I also know that I haven't been happy since 2010.

That a lot of what's wrong are things that are not new, things that have been persisting throughout the relationship… things that I initially didn't think were important, and things I thought would change with time because he would grow up. But being home these past five months and having to spend an inordinate amount of time with his family because of the dumb dog, it's become abundantly clear that these things I thought would change as he matured, have everything to do with how he was raised and how his family functions. They are part of who he is, and he is not changing. I cannot change him, and he cannot change me, and I was never willing to just accept things as they were, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, that these short comings were just due to circumstance that they were not a result of his character.

I no longer feel that way… especially since I've been repeating the same arguments over and over again many of them for years and nothing has changed. People only change when they want to, and if I can't even open his eyes to what's wrong with how treats me and our relationship, there's no hope that he will change. My dad said that you have to find a place in the middle where maybe neither is happy about a certain issue, but you both can live with it…My retort was, well he doesn't compromise, and I'm not willing to become an old fashioned house wife, nor do I trust him at all to be a stay at home dad…

Half the time when we talk about things it doesn't feel like he's even living in reality let alone on this planet…He's impractical, irresponsible, fiscally reckless, unreliable, and never ever serious.

In order to try and "Be true to thine own self" a favorite family saying, I'm going to try and write out what I feel like I need to say…. so when I feel him trying to assuage me with guilt, and I start backing away from my own thoughts and feelings, I can read this, and know without a doubt that I thought these things, they weren't put into my head by my mother, or my friends, or some book or movie I watched. This is unadulterated me.

I know you love me, and I love you too, we wouldn't be here if that wasn't the truth. But when the price of your love is my own identity, I don't want it. I don't like who I've become since knowing you, and especially how I've been treating you over the last year. With every disappointment and frustration you have chipped at away at my love for you, that chunk of me that allows me to be patient and understanding. The part of me that sees your little quirks as cute and endearing, the part of me that just likes to stare at you when you're not looking.  I haven't felt that way in a very long time, long before I moved back to Philly. Your constant making up lyrics to songs, ridiculous analogies, always falling asleep, your pet names for me, they're just severely irritating. And now when you're not looking and I'm staring at you, it's more like I'm seething and I'm waiting for you to look at me, no longer to give you a shy smile when we break eye contact, but so that you can see the anger and resentment on my face. The things I have shouted at you when I've completely lost it are things I never wanted to be capable of saying to someone I loved.

I thought that things would be different when we moved away from your family and friends, that your drinking wouldn't be so bad, that things would be more about just us, not me constantly feeling like I come third. For once I thought I wouldn't always have to hear what ever your mother thought about for every facet of our lives. I thought that when you moved out here by yourself for those first six months that you'd have the chance to grow up a little bit, be responsible for yourself and have to budget.  But you took out that $25,000 cadet starter loan and still don't understand why I can't fathom how there was only $5,000 left by the time I got out here. All you ever say to me when I try to bring up serious situations, is that I'm harping, making mountains out of mole hills, that I never let anything go.  Maybe I have a tough time of letting things go, but I don't think that's really it, because if it was, I wouldn't be talking to any of the parental type adults in my life. I bring things up with you because it never feels like you've learned anything. I bring these things up as the proof that you're not changing, that you're making the same sort of bullshit decisions as before.  

You are a good, kind, and generous man. But that doesn't make you a good partner. I cannot rely on you, nor do I trust you to take care of anything important. You're impractical, fiscally reckless, and just irresponsible in general. You constantly cross the line between playful teasing and just being mean and hurtful. You talk to me like you're better than me. You laugh in my face when I'm trying to say something serious. You dismiss and belittle and just down right ignore the things that I say. You have made me feel like I'm crazy and unreasonable and that I should just be grateful that you put up with me. But I am not crazy for wanting more, I deserve more, and I refuse to live one more minute in this cage of a life.

Every major decision I've made about our relationship over the past 5.5 years has been out of guilt and a sense of obligation. I always loved the life you talked about us having, and I know it's something that I want eventually. I'm not ready to be settled… or to settle. I wanted to travel and live abroad and live in New York and maybe somewhere else before I moved back towards home to be near my family and start having children.  If you hadn't signed a contract to give your life to the Navy, I know you would have quit by now and moved back home. The fact that even now you say things like why wouldn't I want to live with my parents blows my mind.  I thought I was waiting for you to grow up, but after spending so much time with your family over the last 5 months it's just become abundantly clear that I'm actually waiting for you to change. People don't change, especially when they don't think anything's wrong. 

I'm done trying and waiting for things to get better. I need to move forward and I need to move on.

Alright well I feel like I got a lot of it out… maybe I need to throw in more specifics but this feels like a good start. Now I just need to grow a pair and actually say all of this…

Wish me luck!

Frustrations

So my Sailor emailed me this morning saying how he can't wait to see me this weekend and how long this week is going to be and hoping that his email finds me well and I've gotten more sleep. I started to tell him about my afternoon yesterday and then just lost it and wrote all this other shit and was about to send it and then thought, hmm maybe I shouldn't maybe this is better said in person maybe this is an ok start to the trial and error of how to say to someone get the fuck out of my life.... If you haven't  guessed it already, I'm still very worked up.

" I get back to the house yesterday afternoon and get Bow outside and right as I'm about to check that the handle is unlocked a gust of wind throws open the glass door and actually rips the chain out from the top.... and then slams the front door shut... which was locked...So I called your folks to see if they were busy and could let me back in....So I'm walking the dog in the mean time and I haven't heard from them and it's been 20 minutes so I start heading back towards the townhouse and I see them getting back into their car and I call over to them and am like oh hey you're here, and they're like yea we left the door open for you, and I'm like why didn't you call me? Which was promptly ignored because then they were swooning over Bow.... Like seriously I wasn't trying to be walking Bow any longer than necessary.... and then they come in with me for a while as I try to quickly eat something and your dad is checking out the back thinking about how he wants to set it up to be safe and Bow proof even though he's been saying he'll put up a lattice for like 2 months... and then your mom in the most passive aggressive way possible starts talking to the dog in front of me saying shit like "oh you made me cry the other night, that's right I was just crying over you when I thought mommy and daddy were going to get rid of you! and you wouldn't like hanging out with me all the time because all we would do is lie around"

Like are you fucking kidding me?? Like I don't already feel bad about the whole situation? I'm so sick and tired of letting you and your family just make me feel guilty ALL the time about so much stupid shit. Yea I may have gotten the dog for you, but that dog is mine, my life is the one most affected by having it, not anyone else's, and the amount of stress that he has caused me is beyond what I think most people would put up with. But I do it for you. But fuck that because not you or your family actually seems to really care about me, and what's best for me. Oh you think of me, I know you do, you think of my face and the things we do together and little things that remind you of me. But you don't ever fucking think ABOUT me and what's best for me and you never fucking have. If you had there's no way that you would have picked San Diego, Hawaii, and Japan after the detailed and well thought out letter I sent you of the three places I was ok with because they were still in the states and the whole military life was still freaking me out and I checked to make sure there were URS offices within 20 miles because when we fought during the summer I was in New Orleans and you first told me you were going to join the military and I flat our told you I didn't want to be a military wife that I wanted to have a career and moving around wasn't going to be conducive to that but that I'd be willing to find a job where ever you got stationed and we could move in together and I could see how I liked the military life and instead of being understanding that asking someone to sacrifice their own goals and the comfort of being close to their family and friends is a BIG FUCKING DEAL and not something you do lightly, you just guilt tripped me. Throwing shit in my face like "Oh so you're going to take me for a trial run" and basically made me feel like shit the whole summer for not being as sure about our future together as you were. So by the end of the summer after spending a magical ten days in Cali together and being disappointed you didn't ask me to marry you when we were there... I was just excited when you did and I wanted to prove to you that I did love you even if I wasn't sure about the future.....You have always known that I wasn't keen on this military thing and even knowing that, and having a written letter from me saying where I was ok with being stationed, YOU COMPLETELY IGNORED ME. I wanted to end things that night you called me and told me what you put as your list, but when I got to visiting hours and was an hour late and saw how sickly thin and tired you were I felt awful and decided to ignore the giant red flag that you don't compromise. I cannot think of a single situation where we had grossly different opinions on something and you were the one to compromise, if you can -please tell me. 

A person can only take so much disappointment and frustration before they crack. I have cracked, I am broken, and most days I barely have the will to get up out of bed and bother participating in my life. I would rather sleep forever then live another day in this cage of a life. "

Venting

So I initially wanted to have some sort of order to this blog... but as with all things you really can't plan things out because shit changes all the time. I was hoping that the next entry would be about all the things I don't like, then the one after that would be all the things I want, and the following one would be like a trial and error of how do you ask someone to stop loving you and let you go...

Alas I do not always have as much time as I think I do because much of my time these days is diverted to dealing with my depression and a fucking dog I don't want. I haven't slept well in I can't even tell you how long... pretty much since the Sailor got back from being out at sea for 7 weeks last summer. When he was gone I was blissfully happy. I missed him, I genuinely did, but I loved the freedom of not having to worry about him. I didn't have to get up at an ungodly hour  (4:45) to take him to work... or have to spend the last few hours of work wondering what to do for dinner and thinking I would really rather just go to the gym or get drinks with my Cali BFF but nope I gotta get home to feed him.  As soon as he got back we found out we were being kicked out of our apartment because the owner wanted to sell it... so starting in June my stress levels began to spike and they've just been increasing ever since and I feel like I'm going to explode.

In a whirlwind we had to find a new place and move by the end of July which wouldn't have been as bad if I hadn't had a week long vacation planned for the end of July back on home visiting with my younger brothers. And naturally I couldn't rely on Sailor at all to take care of any of it so I'm trying to hire movers and rent a truck and other nonsense while trying to wrap up things at work before heading out for a week. 

Almost as soon as the dust settles from the move, shit starts going down hill at work and now all of sudden work is really slow and things are going to be slow for a while. But they were not very forth coming with how bad everything really was... .I decided to come home for a few months and help support my old office so that they didn't have to fire someone in our group and I could be home for the holidays. But then it quickly became apparent that I didn't have a job to go back to, and we couldn't afford for me to be unemployed and I was offered an opportunity to be trained in an emerging sector of my field and how could I say no after I sacrificed a sure career path in this office before to leave for San Diego and be brought down to part time temporary with no benefits, no vacation, holiday or sick time and to miss out on two years of raises. 

Of course throughout all of this and before I left San Diego, I let him talk me into getting a dog, A dog he's been talking about wanting for three years, the dog he was never allowed to get growing up, the dog that would keep me company when he was out to sea. I've never wanted a dog, that was never an aspiration, but I didn't not want one, so who was I to stand in the way of him getting a dog. So I did the research and read up on training and looked into pricing and breeders and health plans and what not and I went and got him this dog as an early anniversary present. I never stopped to think about hey do I really want this dog cuz it's me who's gonna have to take care of it!

So now here I am living with my sister in law in a town house for the next year with a dog I don't really want and haven't had the time or the patience or allotted the circumstance for enough consistency to train him well. A dog that can't seem to hold his piss for more than four hours, a dog that refuses to sleep through the night. A dog that causes me to start and end my days it fits of fury because he won't shut the hell up. I punched his crate two weeks ago. I barely remember doing it, I'm pretty sure all I saw was red.

I hate my life. There is no part of it that I want anymore. I don't want a dog. I don't want to live with my slob of a sister in law who has yet to pay me a penny in utilities and we've started our 4th month living together. I haven't even bothered adding up how much she owes me in groceries for the first two months before I cracked and wrote passive aggressive sticky notes and took a big red sharpie and wrote my name all over my shit in the fridge. I want nothing to do with his friends or his family. When I talk to him and his family it's never because I want to, it's because I feel obligated to do so. I live my life with the immense weight of guilt that I should just be so grateful that he puts up with my crazy and how mean I am to him and my ridiculous mood swings.

But after my last post my bestie from college told me to look up "gaslighting". It's a form of mental abuse and I relate to it on a level that has shown me I've been in an unhealthy relationship for years. Obviously I haven't experienced the extreme cases of cheating or the malicious side of gaslighting... but I have spent the last 5.5 years being talked out of my own feelings. Being told I'm being unreasonable and over-reactive. That oh you must of talked to your mom or your friends, they fill your head with doubt. Or my favorite, the subliminal guilt trips... Some how, some way, doesn't matter how serious or little the issue is... it's big enough that it's caused me to raise it as an issue and discuss it but somehow by the end, I end up apologizing for being crazy... not once do I ever get an acknowledgement from him that he's in the wrong or that things should change or that I have a point. Maybe near the end he'll say you're right honey just so the conversation is over, but does anything change?? DOES IT EVER CHANGE?!?? No.

It never changes, it never gets better. Not for more then a few days at least. Because why would anything change when he doesn't see the situation as being wrong? And what I've learned over the last few months being home is that i don't think he'll ever see the way he treats me as being wrong because he grew up in a sexist home. Sometime you have to get to a point where you realize that what's bothering you is the person themselves, not something they're doing or not doing. There's things that you think don't matter when you're younger and naive, and then there's things you don't even think about....

When you marry someone, you marry all of them. Their family, their friends, their hopes and dreams, the faults and flaws. When we talk lately I tell him how depressed and unhappy I am and that I don't want any of this and I don't know how to make myself want my life again. And he just says well this hasn't been an easy year and a half of marriage, it won't always be like this it will be better. But the thing is, I haven't been happy since 2010. I've been waiting for him to grow up, because I thought that was the issue, but the issue is I've been waiting for him to change, and people don't change. My Dad said it correctly, "waiting around for someone to change isn't love".

The Forks

In honor of privacy, I'll refer to my husband as the Sailor…This post will be about the beginning and the key points up until now….

He was a regular customer at the summer job I had during college. He's quite a handsome man, that's definitely what drew me in initially… but he's also just a very kind and generous, really laid back and funny guy. But he's also very religious and a conservative republican… whereas I'm extremely liberal and tend to mostly support democratic candidates… but probably the  most accurate description for my political views would be libertarian.

My dad always told me that your values had to be the same for things to work out in the long run… so when I came home for thanksgiving after starting to date that July I tried to break up with him… I thought yea we think we love each other and things are fine, but I really don't think this would last and that I should just end it instead of enduring a long distance relationship. But when I tried to end it, he cried and I caved… I still loved him and I was still happy… I wanted to make it work…. Fork 1

That first real summer together was the happiest I've been in my life so far, but that was also when I started to see the ugly side of my Sailor's drinking. Junior year I received one of the worst phone calls I've ever gotten…it was 2:30 in the morning and my college roommate and I were going to be driving back home for thanksgiving break and I get a call from his best friend asking if I'd heard from him and if I knew where he was. That was the night he got mugged because he drunkenly left the bar without telling anyone to find some food. He ended up in the hospital and they didn't locate him until the next day. This I'd say was a big red flag that I chose to ignore because I'd never been so scared before… wondering what happened to him and if he was ok.

That summer instead of spending it at home with him, I had an internship in New Orleans. We spent many phone conversations talking about our future and how we wanted to spend it together. But then he informed me that he was signing up for the Navy and that he had just taken a placement test of sorts. He'd never mentioned it before and now this is what he was going to do for a career. I was furious and told him so, that I didn't want to be a military wife, that I was just starting off my career with this internship with a firm that I could hopefully work for full time after graduation. That moving around would not be good for me especially if I wanted to have a successful career. I told him that wherever he got stationed I would get a job out there, I would follow him and we could move in together and I could see how I liked the military life. But instead of being understanding he lashed out and said things like oh you want to take me for a trial run… and basically spent the summer making me feel guilty for not being as sure about our future together as he was.  At the end of that summer we went to CA together for ten days. It was a magical trip and I fell in love with SoCal.  We didn't get much time alone because it was a family trip for his cousin's wedding… I expected him to propose while we were out there, so when it didn't happen I was disappointed but figured it wasn't happening then… but then my last day in town before heading back up to school for Senior year he proposed. And I said yes…. I don't know if it was because I wanted to prove to him that I did love him even if I wasn't sure about our future together… or if it was because I was upset he hadn't asked in CA so when he did I was just excited… I know I didn't say yes because I thought I was ready to get married… other than the initial phone calls that night, I didn't really talk about being engaged… I don't remember being excited about it, or bragging about it. I remember feeling awkward and weird about it and having to remember to be polite when people asked about it…I wanted to break up with him that summer and instead I said yes…. Fork 2

January of 2011 he signed his life away to the Navy… it was done. But he'd been out of school since 2009 and hadn't worked at all… here I was working my butt off at school, two jobs, and trying to figure out my job for after graduation. We were fighting constantly about why he wasn't doing anything that he could be doing any type of job to put money away for the wedding. But I accepted his excuses that he would be starting his Navy career in a few months, what's the point of starting a job when he'll have to leave soon… and that he was taking care of his mother.

And then I met the Mountain Man… he was impressive, this man who had his shit together, doing what he loved and just as nerdy as me, smart and funny, and sexy as hell. I was smitten from the start. We met only three weeks before graduation at one of the local bars and we hung out as much possible in those first two weeks. I found myself ignoring my Sailor's phone calls when I was with the Mountain Man, and I couldn't stop gushing about him to my friends…the first time we hung out one on one we were over at his place and we stayed up until 5 in the morning just talking…I fell asleep on the floor of his room. I can't explain the way it felt to be around him, but I loved it and I wanted more of it. Then his last night in town before leaving for a conference I went over to watch a movie and then we went downtown for dinner where a few of his students and my classmates met us. The rest of the evening was to be a celebration of the end of classes and drinking with everyone. I thought that even though there was some serious sexual tension that we were with a crowd of my peers I was safe I could let my guard down. So I got drunk and I told him I wish we had more time that this was probably the last time we'd get to hang out before I went home. He asked why it was the last time and I told him that before he got back from the conference my Sailor would be arriving to help me pack and attend graduation. I told him I wished I'd met him three years prior. I don't know why but he started dancing with me at a bar that you just don't dance at and when I turned to face him to tell him he was being silly, it happened.. we kissed and then it was just a full blown make out sesh in a bar with a good portion of my classmates watching… It wasn't long before I pulled away put my face in my hands and said I'm sorry I can't do this I have to leave. He insisted he walked me home and I cried and I vented about my Sailor and my fears of getting married. I don't remember everything that was said but I do remember him saying he couldn't do long distance that it ended poorly for him in the past… we hugged and said goodbye…

The next day I spoke with friends and my mom sobbing and saying I think I need to call off the engagement I made out with someone I've been so unhappy and frustrated. But when I called my Sailor to tell him what I'd done, instead of being mad and deciding not to come up for my graduation like I thought would happen, he changed his train ticket and came up two days early just to be with me sooner. He never even told anyone about what I had done. Not any of his friends nor his parents, he said he didn't want any of them thinking any less of me. I didn't think that the Mountain Man was a real option and here was my Sailor forgiving me for what I'd done without even a second thought. Why would I give up someone who loves me so much for something that's so uncertain. I chose to make it work. Fork 3.

I dropped my Sailor off for his first day of boot camp on January 1st 2012, and then spent a week in good ole vermont visiting with friends from college. I even saw the Mountain Man, but we didn't talk about us…My Sailor was finally able to make phone calls home and informed me that he would have to pick his top three locations to be stationed at. I'd written him a detailed and well thought out letter of where I'd be ok with getting stationed, and my list was San Diego, Norfolk, and Everett. I got a phone call while out at a restaurant with one of my best friends and he told me he'd put down San Diego, Hawaii and Japan. I was beyond furious. He hadn't listened to me at all and it certainly didn't feel like he'd thought about me at all when put that list together. He knew I was already iffy about the whole military thing and now he'd made it a possibility where I be in  remote place, possibly not speaking the language, and totally cost prohibitive to easily visit home or have people come out. When I look back at it now it's just one of those clear times where he didn't compromise, I didn't want to be a military wife and instead of trying to make it easier for me or sooth my fears he just goes and disregards entirely what I said. I wanted to call off the engagement then. Fork 4.

In February he was finally allowed visitors. I went up to Vermont that Friday night because visiting hours were Sunday 8-12am, I figured the drive from Burly was a lot shorter then Philly and I could make a college friends visit out of it. I saw the Mountain Man again, this time is was just us and we got coffee, well I got hot chocolate but whatever. I don't remember what we talked about, mostly caught up about work and other activities. I didn't want to leave and I stayed much later than I should have for having to drive to Rhode Island. I arrived at my hotel at 3 in the morning and planned to wake up at 7 for visiting hours. I was so tired that I hadn't realized the alarm I'd set was for a weekday and it never went off. I was lucky I woke when I did, but I was an hour late for visiting hours. When I got there and I saw how tired and thin and sickly my Sailor looked looked and thought about him waiting for me I felt crushed and guilty. I knew if I had gotten to Rhode Island at a decent time that I wouldn't have been late. I decided then to recommit myself to my Sailor and I stopped talking to the Mountain Man. Fork 5.

The night before the wedding and the night of the wedding were both disasters due to my Sailor's drinking. I remember asking him after the rehearsal dinner if he even wanted to get married. I remember thinking on the night of the wedding when I needed my brother's help moving my passed out husband that if this is the rest of my life god help me. I left my job and my family and friends and drove across the country by myself to join my Sailor on the West Coast in sunny San Diego. After being long distance for all of our relationship, finally being together, and especially without the distractions of our families, it was blissful. I fell in love with our life out there and I thought I was happy.

Not two months out there the fights began…. the fights about why he expected me to take care of everything, why could he not just help out around the house without being told to. The fights about how there's no such thing as women jobs and man jobs in my book and I will not live this way nor teach children to think this way. I spent months of futile talks trying to make him understand, only to be dismissed and belittled. Only to be told that I was being unreasonable and making mountains out of mole hills. Nothing changed.

And now here we are, I'm back on the east coast and I'm contemplating these forks and wondering why I apparently kept choosing the wrong path. Wondering when I stopped listening to myself, when I started ignoring the red flags, why I began just accepting things as they were. I've woken up and I'm done with making excuses for him and I'm done allowing myself to be ok with this situation. It feels like the only answer is to give up and walk away, but I'm finding it hard to just say goodbye to 5.5 years of my life.

Hello

Hello ladies and who ever else may stumble upon this… This is a place for me to vent and just sift through all the craziness that's going on inside my head where I don't have to censor myself and I don't have to repeat myself or worry that I'm telling each of you the same thing over again…

So the gist of my situation is that I'm 24 and married to a man I met when I was 19. We're currently living on opposite sides of the country due circumstance… combination of him being in the military and me wanting to have a career.

We've been living apart since early November, and soon after I made my way back to the east coast I had a total melt down. I was confronted with how much I was missing back home and how lonely I'd been in beautiful San Diego.

I was initially supposed to only be back on the east coast for three months for work while we waited for new work to come in on the west coast. The work never came, so I decided to take up my old office on their offer to transfer back for a year. So here I am living with my sister in law, the puppy my husband and I got in August, and trying desperately not to lose my mind.

Since early December I've been entertaining the big black hole of "what if" analyzing all the forks in the road I've met so far and wondering why the wrong way signs in life couldn't be as clearly marked as the ones on the road.

I knew I didn't want to be married so young especially without living together prior, nor did I want to be a military wife… I just don't know when I stopped listening to myself… when I became complacent and just started accepting things how they were…

I was so lost when I met him, and I was enchanted by how loving his family was. His family life was just such a stark contrast to the one I'd grown up with and they loved me as if I'd always belonged.  I can say without a doubt that he loves me unconditionally and I really don't think anyone will ever love me as much he does.

But sometimes the hardest truth to admit is that even though you may love someone, and they love you back, it doesn't mean that they are right for you or that you can reach happiness together…