The conversation started Wednesday late afternoon when he got home from work and was lamenting how I'd almost been there a whole week and I had barely even touched him. And he was right, I was extremely standoffish the entire time that I'd been there, barely a hug hello, I was more concerned about seeing My BFF that was visiting. I don't think we even held hands… I'm sure from his perspective it certainly wasn't how he anticipated a visit from his wife after not seeing each other for almost a month. But my response was that I'm not just going to act like everything is ok.
In those three weeks between visiting him at training up in Rhode Island and the Cali trip, we had barely talked… I was ignoring most of his phone calls and only occasionally sending emails. Out of the few phone calls we had one of them I told him that I didn't think I was ready to be married, that this wasn't how I pictured 24. I tried to explain to him how I now understood what everyone had meant about being so young to be making this decision. His response was that I know you just see the lives of all your friends and you feel like you're missing out… I really couldn't make him understand what I was trying to say…. I brought up how I didn't want to be a military wife and that if he hadn't joined than we wouldn't be married now. I lamented how maybe I should have listened to what people were saying, and he was like you don't listen to anybody especially not me. Which I scoffed at and said, ha we wouldn't be here if I didn't listen to you. That conversation ended with him saying I'm sorry I duped you into marrying me I hope it works out. The second phone call I told him I didn't want anything to do with my life anymore and I don't know how to fix that. He said I'm sorry your life is so miserable. I said don't say it like that, don't make me feel guilty for being upset because it hurts you. He was like I was hurt when you didn't answer my phone calls for days.
So with his those two phone calls in mind.... His response to me was: Like everything is ok? What does that even mean? What do you want?!
So in my frustration I said I want you to leave me. He said why because you want to but don't have the balls to do it. So that was how the conversation began…
I told him about how I feel like we're not very compatible, and he wanted an example and for starters I said well I'm pretty much an atheist I will never support you if you choose to tell our children that they are sinning and going to hell. His response: you're just a skeptic, how can you be mad at me for something that's hypothetical (we've had numerous discussions about the possibility of having a child that is gay).
I told him how I find his family suffocating, that he may talk to his parents everyday but I don't even talk to my own everyday… His response: I'm sorry that my family loves you and just wants to be there for you. All you ever wanted was a family to be there for you without expecting anything else in return. And now that you have it you just hate it.
I told him that I hate the way he talks to me, that's he's disrespectful to me especially when we're around other people…how he makes me feel like I'm unwelcome and stupid when I'm meeting new people. That he constantly crosses the line between playful teasing and just being mean. His response: I do, do that and I'm sorry and it's something I need to work on. I just like making people laugh so I poke fun at someone I know who understands that I'm not being serious.
I brought up how his drinking has continually chipped away at my respect for him and that I didn't understand how all those awful things could happen and he still didn't want to change or thought anything was wrong with his behavior. His response: but I've been much better about that lately. (He's been out at sea a lot and hasn't had a car to join his fellow sailors who mostly live in Pacific Beach... So I really don't know if he's any better)
I told him about all the decisions that he's made in the last 5 years that affected our life together where I felt like he completely ignored me. How it feels like he thinks of me, but not about me. His responses: we weren't even engaged I always wanted to be in the military. I was landscaping and helping my mom. We both agreed that we would get married after I got into the military (lie….I distinctly remember him pushing to get married that summer after I graduated) I didn't want to go to Norfolk and I chose the other locations because they're high demand so that we had a greater chance of going to San Diego (if that's the case why didn't say that to me ever…..)
He said to me, you can't make me stop loving you, and I said there's nothing you can say that's magically going to make me happy. There were tears, so many tears… him saying why am I not good enough, I've never worked harder at anything, I love you, I'll do anything. Who loves you like I do? and I crumbled…. I started saying I'm so sorry you are a good man, it's me, it's my fault I'm sorry I can't be happy. It ended with us deciding that I should look into counseling…..
I don't know how to explain it, I don't understand why it happens, but bit by bit I'll lose my nerve and convictions and I don't want to hurt him, and I feel like an awful person for causing this much pain. Those are probably the main emotions he invokes in me… he makes me feel selfish and ungrateful. He asked me if I loved him, and I said of course I do, if I didn't I'd know what to do, this would be easier. His response: If you love me, we can do this. You may not always be happy, and it will be hard, but we can get through this. And I then gave way and let my husband love me….
I spoke with my mom the next day and told her everything and a lot of it she was angry about, but mostly said that I've been under too much stress compounded with the distance to make this type of a decision. That I need to make sure I do everything I can before I give up. That I should look into counseling. She said just try to relax and de-stress and have a good time.
I took her words to heart and I let go of all the anger I have towards his family and the dog and decided not to hold it against him. I decided I wanted to enjoy being in beautiful San Diego in the home I made with my husband. So for four days I got to be genuinely happy for the first time in months. It was nice to be with someone, to hold my hand, and cuddle, and kisses. I'm lonely. I've been lonely. Those days make me ache for a loving relationship. I want that in my life.
I went out there with plans to change my life. I wanted to get rid of the dog, I wanted to kick my sister in law out, and I was even debating asking him for a separation. I accomplished none of that and have come right back to the same situation. I brought all of this up with my Sailor and all he said was Jess has a new job now she should start paying you back, the dog will get better as he gets older, my mom said she'll come over everyday for a month and get him trained.
Instead offering the support I need... Like saying ok if this is what you need to do then I'll help smooth it over with my folks, he just asked me to try again and his throwing his parents at me. Like did he not hear the fact that I find them suffocating?? How is it that asking them to help out more with the dog seems like a good idea?!
A little over a week ago I decided to get a new car... Partially because my monthly payment is lower, sort of because the newer car has some sweet technology in it, but mostly because it was a change that I could make, that I had total control over and didn't need anyone's permission or need to care about anyone else's perceptions....
The Saturday before Easter I told my in laws that I'm officially looking for a new roommate, and I have an ad on Craigslist and have already showed the apartment a few times!
I'm not where I want to be, but I'm starting to get the ball rolling, I'm slowly crawling out of this hell hole of a life I've dug myself into.
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