Like is there a nice way to say something like that? I don't really think so…but it's probably the most honest thing I could say…
My parents are all now aware of the situation for the most part, they may not know all the details, but they know how dire it all is. None of them want me to give up just yet, they all think I should try professional counseling first, and get rid of all the other stressors in my life before making this decision. My dad also tried to remind me how much of an impact being apart can have… That it makes it very easy to focus on all the bad things and forget all the good things you like about a person. And I said to him I know that there's a lot going on right now that could be clouding my judgement, and I know very well that the separation is not helping, but I also know that I haven't been happy since 2010.
That a lot of what's wrong are things that are not new, things that have been persisting throughout the relationship… things that I initially didn't think were important, and things I thought would change with time because he would grow up. But being home these past five months and having to spend an inordinate amount of time with his family because of the dumb dog, it's become abundantly clear that these things I thought would change as he matured, have everything to do with how he was raised and how his family functions. They are part of who he is, and he is not changing. I cannot change him, and he cannot change me, and I was never willing to just accept things as they were, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, that these short comings were just due to circumstance that they were not a result of his character.
I no longer feel that way… especially since I've been repeating the same arguments over and over again many of them for years and nothing has changed. People only change when they want to, and if I can't even open his eyes to what's wrong with how treats me and our relationship, there's no hope that he will change. My dad said that you have to find a place in the middle where maybe neither is happy about a certain issue, but you both can live with it…My retort was, well he doesn't compromise, and I'm not willing to become an old fashioned house wife, nor do I trust him at all to be a stay at home dad…
Half the time when we talk about things it doesn't feel like he's even living in reality let alone on this planet…He's impractical, irresponsible, fiscally reckless, unreliable, and never ever serious.
In order to try and "Be true to thine own self" a favorite family saying, I'm going to try and write out what I feel like I need to say…. so when I feel him trying to assuage me with guilt, and I start backing away from my own thoughts and feelings, I can read this, and know without a doubt that I thought these things, they weren't put into my head by my mother, or my friends, or some book or movie I watched. This is unadulterated me.
I know you love me, and I love you too, we wouldn't be here if that wasn't the truth. But when the price of your love is my own identity, I don't want it. I don't like who I've become since knowing you, and especially how I've been treating you over the last year. With every disappointment and frustration you have chipped at away at my love for you, that chunk of me that allows me to be patient and understanding. The part of me that sees your little quirks as cute and endearing, the part of me that just likes to stare at you when you're not looking. I haven't felt that way in a very long time, long before I moved back to Philly. Your constant making up lyrics to songs, ridiculous analogies, always falling asleep, your pet names for me, they're just severely irritating. And now when you're not looking and I'm staring at you, it's more like I'm seething and I'm waiting for you to look at me, no longer to give you a shy smile when we break eye contact, but so that you can see the anger and resentment on my face. The things I have shouted at you when I've completely lost it are things I never wanted to be capable of saying to someone I loved.
I thought that things would be different when we moved away from your family and friends, that your drinking wouldn't be so bad, that things would be more about just us, not me constantly feeling like I come third. For once I thought I wouldn't always have to hear what ever your mother thought about for every facet of our lives. I thought that when you moved out here by yourself for those first six months that you'd have the chance to grow up a little bit, be responsible for yourself and have to budget. But you took out that $25,000 cadet starter loan and still don't understand why I can't fathom how there was only $5,000 left by the time I got out here. All you ever say to me when I try to bring up serious situations, is that I'm harping, making mountains out of mole hills, that I never let anything go. Maybe I have a tough time of letting things go, but I don't think that's really it, because if it was, I wouldn't be talking to any of the parental type adults in my life. I bring things up with you because it never feels like you've learned anything. I bring these things up as the proof that you're not changing, that you're making the same sort of bullshit decisions as before.
You are a good, kind, and generous man. But that doesn't make you a good partner. I cannot rely on you, nor do I trust you to take care of anything important. You're impractical, fiscally reckless, and just irresponsible in general. You constantly cross the line between playful teasing and just being mean and hurtful. You talk to me like you're better than me. You laugh in my face when I'm trying to say something serious. You dismiss and belittle and just down right ignore the things that I say. You have made me feel like I'm crazy and unreasonable and that I should just be grateful that you put up with me. But I am not crazy for wanting more, I deserve more, and I refuse to live one more minute in this cage of a life.
Every major decision I've made about our relationship over the past 5.5 years has been out of guilt and a sense of obligation. I always loved the life you talked about us having, and I know it's something that I want eventually. I'm not ready to be settled… or to settle. I wanted to travel and live abroad and live in New York and maybe somewhere else before I moved back towards home to be near my family and start having children. If you hadn't signed a contract to give your life to the Navy, I know you would have quit by now and moved back home. The fact that even now you say things like why wouldn't I want to live with my parents blows my mind. I thought I was waiting for you to grow up, but after spending so much time with your family over the last 5 months it's just become abundantly clear that I'm actually waiting for you to change. People don't change, especially when they don't think anything's wrong.
I'm done trying and waiting for things to get better. I need to move forward and I need to move on.Alright well I feel like I got a lot of it out… maybe I need to throw in more specifics but this feels like a good start. Now I just need to grow a pair and actually say all of this…
Wish me luck!
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