Frustrations

So my Sailor emailed me this morning saying how he can't wait to see me this weekend and how long this week is going to be and hoping that his email finds me well and I've gotten more sleep. I started to tell him about my afternoon yesterday and then just lost it and wrote all this other shit and was about to send it and then thought, hmm maybe I shouldn't maybe this is better said in person maybe this is an ok start to the trial and error of how to say to someone get the fuck out of my life.... If you haven't  guessed it already, I'm still very worked up.

" I get back to the house yesterday afternoon and get Bow outside and right as I'm about to check that the handle is unlocked a gust of wind throws open the glass door and actually rips the chain out from the top.... and then slams the front door shut... which was locked...So I called your folks to see if they were busy and could let me back in....So I'm walking the dog in the mean time and I haven't heard from them and it's been 20 minutes so I start heading back towards the townhouse and I see them getting back into their car and I call over to them and am like oh hey you're here, and they're like yea we left the door open for you, and I'm like why didn't you call me? Which was promptly ignored because then they were swooning over Bow.... Like seriously I wasn't trying to be walking Bow any longer than necessary.... and then they come in with me for a while as I try to quickly eat something and your dad is checking out the back thinking about how he wants to set it up to be safe and Bow proof even though he's been saying he'll put up a lattice for like 2 months... and then your mom in the most passive aggressive way possible starts talking to the dog in front of me saying shit like "oh you made me cry the other night, that's right I was just crying over you when I thought mommy and daddy were going to get rid of you! and you wouldn't like hanging out with me all the time because all we would do is lie around"

Like are you fucking kidding me?? Like I don't already feel bad about the whole situation? I'm so sick and tired of letting you and your family just make me feel guilty ALL the time about so much stupid shit. Yea I may have gotten the dog for you, but that dog is mine, my life is the one most affected by having it, not anyone else's, and the amount of stress that he has caused me is beyond what I think most people would put up with. But I do it for you. But fuck that because not you or your family actually seems to really care about me, and what's best for me. Oh you think of me, I know you do, you think of my face and the things we do together and little things that remind you of me. But you don't ever fucking think ABOUT me and what's best for me and you never fucking have. If you had there's no way that you would have picked San Diego, Hawaii, and Japan after the detailed and well thought out letter I sent you of the three places I was ok with because they were still in the states and the whole military life was still freaking me out and I checked to make sure there were URS offices within 20 miles because when we fought during the summer I was in New Orleans and you first told me you were going to join the military and I flat our told you I didn't want to be a military wife that I wanted to have a career and moving around wasn't going to be conducive to that but that I'd be willing to find a job where ever you got stationed and we could move in together and I could see how I liked the military life and instead of being understanding that asking someone to sacrifice their own goals and the comfort of being close to their family and friends is a BIG FUCKING DEAL and not something you do lightly, you just guilt tripped me. Throwing shit in my face like "Oh so you're going to take me for a trial run" and basically made me feel like shit the whole summer for not being as sure about our future together as you were. So by the end of the summer after spending a magical ten days in Cali together and being disappointed you didn't ask me to marry you when we were there... I was just excited when you did and I wanted to prove to you that I did love you even if I wasn't sure about the future.....You have always known that I wasn't keen on this military thing and even knowing that, and having a written letter from me saying where I was ok with being stationed, YOU COMPLETELY IGNORED ME. I wanted to end things that night you called me and told me what you put as your list, but when I got to visiting hours and was an hour late and saw how sickly thin and tired you were I felt awful and decided to ignore the giant red flag that you don't compromise. I cannot think of a single situation where we had grossly different opinions on something and you were the one to compromise, if you can -please tell me. 

A person can only take so much disappointment and frustration before they crack. I have cracked, I am broken, and most days I barely have the will to get up out of bed and bother participating in my life. I would rather sleep forever then live another day in this cage of a life. "