Progress

So I should really be sleeping right now but honestly my whole internal clock has just been off for months. Getting out of my bed in the mornings has been the hardest part of my day, I could very easily spend the whole day in bed. I'm slipping at work, I can feel it. I should be getting in earlier and staying longer and working overtime with how busy I am, but it's been so difficult just managing to put in the bare minimum to get my hours in and do what has to be done that the idea of going above and beyond like I usually would, seems so unattainable. After my last post my two closest friends had very strong reactions to my sudden change of heart per say…

I ended up lashing out at both of them and saying purposefully hurtful things because there's nothing misery loves more than company. It's hard for me to understand that for everyone else, this situation seems like a no brainer, that they can't understand why I would even want to stay. For me, so much of the bullshit that goes on, I've become numb to and don't even recognize it for the crap that it is. This is part of the reason I started this blog, to help keep myself accountable. That night when I got home from work I immediately called the employee assistance program through work and began my slow journey of progress.

I've been to two therapy sessions now, I officially kicked my sister in law out, and have found new roommates. I'm still on the fence about the dog and have decided I'll keep him for a month or two with these new roommates and then decide one way or another then. Either he's too much of a burden when I have so much else going on in my life, or I can handle that burden for the trade off of having a fatty fur ball to cuddle up with.

I ended up going out with my First Everything last week. We went to the batting cages, got dinner and drinks. He paid, and we joked it was the date he never took me on.  To be fair neither of us had a car nor regular cash flow….when we were in high school. It'd been about 2 years since we'd last seen each other in person, it was just so nice to be with someone who knew me so well before I met my sailor. Someone who knew me better even than my best friends. Our relationship didn't end well at all, it was actually very nasty and hurtful, but about a year later he apologized for how he handled it and said he still loved me, but I was already with my Sailor. Spending time with the First reassured me that I am not all the things that the sailor has made me feel over the years. To be treated with respect and like I was special was an amazing change of pace. It was just the sort of self esteem boost I needed to write a very straight forward and mostly harsh email to the Sailor.

No sugar coating, not even a little. I told him how I no longer feel lucky to have him in my life that I can no longer see the happy future, that all I see are fights and disappointment. How I just see it getting worse when we have kids. I told him that it may take two people to get married but it only takes one to get divorced. I told him that I don't need his permission or acceptance to walk away from this. I told him that I don't have to like his family, or have a relationship with his mom, or keep the dog. That I don't have to give him the chance to prove to me that our relationship can be more and better, but that I am because I love him. I admitted to being harsh but said I was no longer going to be sorry or feel guilty for wanting more. That I grew up with a family dynamic that I had to learn to deal with because I couldn't control it, but that this I do. I chose to be with him, and I can choose to leave. That I'm not going to just "accept" things how they are and be grateful for what I have when  I know deep down I deserve more.

His email response was two days later and was mostly favorable I guess. It felt like he was finally hearing me and accepting his role in this situation. Saying how he's not going to give up on our marriage that I'm the love of his life, that he'll work with his parents to lay out some things. How it pains him to admit that his "bullheaded jackassery" has culminated in my withdrawing from him. How he never meant to push me away this way but that all he's every known is an argument is something to be won by any means necessary. There was lots of rambling, flowery language and tons of flattery. But he doesn't think that we need to be different people, that we just need to be more open and understanding, and a team first and foremost.

He may be able to become a better partner, but I still don't know if that is enough for me. There are things that I thought I was just apathetic about, but now I'm realizing I actually do care. Especially when it comes to what children of mine would be influenced by and exposed to. I'm at a point where I don't know if I like my husband enough to subject myself and my future offspring to his family for the rest of my life. It would be one thing if I believed different things than his family and they lived in another state and we only dealt with them during holidays and family trips. That will never be the relationship with his family. They are so co-dependent.

The therapist used the terms enmeshment, emotional incest, surrogate spouse. These are all the things that need to be overcome for us to actually have a healthy relationship. And all of these things, I cannot do anything about. They will only change if my Sailor recognizes their existence and wants to address them.

I'm going to keep going to therapy and work on getting back to a happy place, but I'm losing hope in the possibility that there's a light at the end of the tunnel for this relationship.