The Closing of the Door

Late Thursday I got an email from the Sailor telling me he was getting ready to send in his slate sheet for his next tour and if I was still ok with what we talked about. Basically he was planning on doing everything he could to stay in San Diego and would possibly take a shitty job option that would not allow for a fruitful career in the Navy. I didn't want to be responsible for that and for whatever reason I was finally ready to just be honest. Below is the play out of the end.

FRIDAY: 

Hey Sailor,

I love you and I miss you. I think those will both be true for the rest of my life. But I also know that if I don't leave you now, I'll leave later. We've been dancing around this conservation for months, and it seems like I've started it a million times only to let you talk me out of it, or I chicken out and chalk it up to not being the right time.

There will never be a right time, there will never be the best way to do it, and it will never be easy. This sucks, and it's sad and it hurts and it makes me physically ill and nauseous and anxious. I feel like crying most of the time and I constantly just want a reset button and I'm pretty sure I'd do anything to not be in this situation. But we are over, there is no coming back from this. As soon as I figure out my job situation and where I'll be living for the foreseeable future, I will be filing for divorce.

I hate that this is via email, but I also feel like it's the only way to get through it. I do love you, and of course I'm attracted to you, so every time I see you and we talk on the phone, all the reasons I love you are still there, and we'll always have a connection and a degree of compatibility, but I don't love you the way that I used to, and I don't think I've ever loved you the way you love me. I don't think I ever could, you never love anyone the way you love your first. I do not love you the way I need to, to be able to forgive you for everything that has already happened, and to make it through all the other battles we're bound to face across a lifetime together. I should have never let you think it was acceptable to treat me the way that you have over our years together. Just because some may have it worse, does not make the way you talk to me, or put drinking with your friends, or your mother's feelings above me an okay thing to do.

It feels unfair to hold out any longer when I know I don't want this. Hearing you talk about your slating and doing every thing you can to stay in San Diego to be with me ignited this sense of urgency.

I think you need to pick your slating based on what would be the best for a successful career in the Navy. You're finally happy with what you're doing, and it seems like you're good at it and have a different and refreshing take on managing people and that the men and women you work with really benefit from you being a part of the crew.

You ask all the time why can't I see any of the good times, why do I only focus on the negative. I wouldn't still be here if all I saw was the negative, I would have left years ago. I know that things would be better and different if I moved back in with you. I know that you've been working really hard, but it feels like you want to change and do better only because you've recognized how your behavior has affected me negatively and you don't want to hurt me. Which is great, but it doesn't feel like you ever had that moment of, hey this kind of stuff is really ridiculous for me to be doing as a grown ass man I need to shape the fuck up. When you change for someone else and not yourself, it never sticks.

But changing those superficial things, will not fix the deeper issue. No matter how hard you work at being a better partner, it's not going to be enough. It's really hard to admit that, but it's the truth. You asked me in Portland at one point if I really thought I was that much better than you, and I said of course not, because it feels rude to admit to those kinds of feelings. It started my senior year and progressed over the last few years, and especially our year together in San Diego. If we had just been dating, I would not have made it past November.

We're never going to have a successful partnership when I don't respect you or view us as equals. Yes respect can be earned, and maybe there's the potential for you to work hard enough to change my feelings about that, but there's too many other issues on the negative side of the scale.

We are not on the same page at all when it comes to how we'll raise our children, and it's not just the catholic thing, which I know I point to most often but that's because it's a tangible and easier thing to talk about. I thought I was ok with raising children catholic because I was and I turned out fine. But I was deeply affected by the culture shock I got when I went to public high school and my world got so much bigger, and I don't want my children to have to wait for a day for their world to "get bigger" like that. You ask me what will I raise them, and I think it's stupid to require a label. I will raise them to be understanding, smart, kind, capable, self sufficient and loving people.  I will teach them about all the religions, and about science and evolution. I will let them chose for themselves one day, and I will never force them to practice some construct created by a bunch of old men who just needed a good reason to get people to do what they wanted them to do.  I don't ever want a child of mine to feel like they are unworthy of my love or some god's love because of a feeling they had or something they did is considered a sin. I don't want that to be a part of my household.

Everything with your family has done nothing at all to make any of this better. I've spent my life being pulled in every direction trying to make everyone happy and always disappointing someone. I cannot handle having another entity that is so needy, and invasive and disrespectful. I didn't get to choose the family I was born into, but I will not purposefully subject myself and any future children of mine to your family. They are judgmental, and closed minded, and I never feel like I can ever voice my honest opinions about anything when I'm with them. How everything has gone down with Bow and your sister, there's no way I would ever trust my children with your family. That is not what I want in my life. There's already animosity between our families, my mother invites your parents and siblings and grandparents to every family party she has and your folks never show up let alone bother to respond. I already have to split up my time as it is, and I cannot make myself care enough about your family to want to splice it even further. You talk about boundaries and that we won't have to see them all the time, but your mother doesn't respect any of that, and I just don't see a future where I can have a close relationship with my parents and keep yours at a distance. And frankly, you shouldn't have to keep away from your family, that's really not fair to you and it's going to lead to resentment eventually.

I can see myself moving back in with you and just staying with you a few more years because it's safe and comfortable,  A lot can happen in a few years, you could get out of the Navy for me, and that would just increase the weight of guilt I carry with me everyday, and could lead to resentment from you later on when you may not find something as fulfilling. We could potentially have a child, and I promised myself I'd never subject my kids to what I went through. And I know in my heart of hearts, I don't want to raise children with you.

I've already adjusted to you not being a part of my everyday life and the idea of having to go through this awful period all over again, and possibly having do it far away from my support group, isn't a risk I'm willing to take.

I'm sorry I allowed things to get to this point, but it's only because I desperately wanted to believe that things could be ok. But I'm not going to settle for ok, I deserve more than ok. I want a big loud and exciting life, not a small quiet one constantly being forgotten at your side.

I've been battling with this truth for months, but I cannot sacrifice my own happiness for yours. I'm sorry I have to hurt you, but I cannot be sorry for being true to myself.

Sailor's reply that afternoon:

Love you too

SATURDAY:

While driving to Towson after my first 5k (woo hoo, was so proud and very excited about getting back into shape) I got a phone call from the sailor. He apparently pulled some strings to use the satellite phone. The phone call was rough and was mostly him imploring me to reconsider and that I can't use that year together in San Diego as a litmus test that he was depressed that it wasn't him. I told him this isn't out of the blue I've been waiting for things to get better for years and I've been struggling with the notion of divorce for several months now. 

Our phone call ended ubruptly and I got a quick email saying:

Lost phone signal(out in the middle of the ocean).  Enjoy your weekend.  Love you still. Also, I got cut off try to tell you that I'm will fight for you until you don't love me anymore.  I love you Elizabeth.  From the first moment that we went out to see the worst movie known to man.

Which of course made me cry. 

I then went and got my first tattoo ever with my sister. It's on the inside of my right wrist and reads " I.iii.78" which stands for Act 1 Scene 3 Line 78 from hamlet which says "to thine own self be true". My grandmother on my moms side used to say it all the time and it's a family saying now. I'd be thinking about getting it, the sailor doesn't like tattoos so I'd always held off. After pulling the divorce trigger and running that race just for me, it felt like there couldn't be a more appropriate time.

Shortly after, I got this email, with the subject line being lyrics from our wedding song:

Hey hun,

 

Sorry about the subject line.  Just stuck in my head.  I know you want this to be finalized and start moving on.  It makes it easier and you can start to try and find how to be happy again.  I may not be a smart man, or a good man, but I do know what love is.  If you do move back to san diego, I don’t see why we can’t try and at least give a trial run like dating all over again before you give me the boot.  Maybe this is what you need to do, but I can’t help feeling that if you love me still, there is a chance. But my feelings may not based in reality.  I’ll continue to try until it is over because I promised to love you in good times and in bad, but more importantly without any of those vows I would do the same, because I think you are worth fighting for.  If anything, you should at least take that as a compliment.  I love you and don’t want to bother you, but I want to be a part of you daily life like we we’re talking about 2 weeks ago.  I don’t know what changes from week to week, but I understand you’re not happy, and that is our number one goal: to make you happy again.  So if this is what it takes, then unfortunately for me this is what it will take.  I don’t think it is, but you know me I’m a hopeless dreamer, or dillusional idiot.  Either way.  I love you and miss you.  You’re my favorite ( picture with messed up hands and an accent)  Stay beautiful.

 

Love Sailor

 

To which I replied:

Hey,

I know you think this is the easier thing to do, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done. But I cannot explain the level of relief I felt today, I just know this is what I need to do.

You are not a bad man, and our issues may seem small compared to those of other people. But when I know I don't want to have children with you, it doesn't matter how much other good there is in this relationship. There is no real future. I'm not going to waste anymore of my time or yours.

What was important to me when I was 19, 21, and even 23, is not the same as what's important to me now.

I cannot be myself with you, I don't listen to myself, and I'm not ok with that.

Maybe if things in SD had been better and I hadn't come back to the east coast we would have stayed together longer. But I would have left eventually and there might have been kids by then.

This has not felt right for me for years. And I clung to my reasons because I thought if there were reasons, that meant it could be fixed and it would feel right again. Sometimes it's just not right. I need something different, and I can't give you specifics because I don't know yet all of what I do want, I just know this isn't it.

I will always love you because love doesn't just disappear. But whether it's cliche or not, I'm not in love with you.

I don't want to constantly feel guilty, or like I'm lucky you put up with me because you make me feel ridiculous and unreasonable and that if I didn't have you, I'd have no one. I want better than that. I don't want to be bitter and angry all the time.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are and doesn't expect you to change and make you feel like you're not good enough.

I'm sorry, but I'm just not that person.


Which he replied:

Alright Lilly,

I love you and if it ever matters am still in love with you. I just want you to know that like what you had to do, none of this is easy for me.  I guess that goes without saying.  Even though I don't agree with you and your conclusion, I appreciate you making the choices you are making because you think they are the right thing to do.  I'll never agree with it. I hope you'll understand that.  I've never been a quitter, but I love you too much to make this difficult for you.  I'll make this as easy as I can.  You're still my favorite.  I love you and am sorry that I am not the man of your dreams like you are mine.(not man but rather girl) I hope you find what you are looking for. As much as I would love to be friends because you are my best friend, I don't think I'd be able to handle seeing you with anyone. Call it selfish or what you will.  This e-mail is kind of a stream of consciousness.  I don't want to lose you but it seems by the way you speak that I already had the day I met you.  I just want you to know that even through all the difficulties and terrible times that I've always been happy that I met you.  It's hard to say that. Even now I'm still happy I met you, it's weird.  I can’t explain it.  Through all the pain and heartache, I still can help feeling that.  You know how I don’t like to talk about my feelings.  I'm glad I met you and one day I hope you feel the same.  I'm sure life will go on, but I can't help feeling like it will never be what I wanted out of it. I hope your right about all this.  I love you.  Be happy and please remember that I love you and just want you to be happy.

Love you always and forever,
Sailor

SUNDAY:

After talking to my dad until 3:15 in the morning and heading to bed around 4, I was woken up by a phone call from the Sailor. They were close enough to Hawaii's coast to get a signal. This time he was more sad and mostly said he wanted to hear my voice and that he feels like half a person and that he has nothing. I told him to call someone and he said if I do that it'll make it real. And I don't want anyone to think badly about you, and I said they're going to. They love you and I'm hurting you. It's going to happen and it's ok. I told him this is too hard to get through alone that he needs to reach out to someone. He was saying there's no one he shares his feelings with that he could hardly do it with me (yea definitely one of our issues). I told him he has to start talking and that you can't rely on one person for support. We talked about some logistics and he talked about how all he can think about is kissing my forehead. Which caused me to break down and full out sob. I told him I'm sorry I have to hurt him but that I cant do this that this isn't enough for me. The whole thing sucked and it was rough. But starting at my tattoo while talking on the phone just gave me such comfort. It was a constant reminder that I did this for me and that it's ok I did this for me and it doesn't make me a bad person.

Later I got this email from him:

Lilbit,

I'm glad I got to talk to you this morning.  I hope you are doing better.  I don’t like it when you cry but it made me feel like you cared and were hurt by this too which made me feel like I'm not all alone.  This still hurts a lot.  I know you're searching for what you want out of life. I hope someday you find that it’s me and I that I haven’t moved on. Because if I do, it's only because I'm trying to fill a hole.  I'm glad you're happy.  I hope one day I'll join you in that sentiment. Until then, I love you. ;) To thine own self be true. And I'm sorry you found out I'm not the one.  If I could, I would have hid that secret from you forever. But if I may, I've thought about this a lot in my life and have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as "the one" but the one you choose.  And whoever you choose to let into your world will be a lucky man or woman.  Who knows?  I love you with all my heart.

Love,
Sailor

This morning I replied:

Hey,

I'm glad that our phone call was able to bring you some comfort, but I really do hope you understand that this hurts me too, and that I'm not happy. I'm relieved to be out of limbo and to know that this is the first step towards finding happiness. But by no means did I want this for my life, or did I ever want to hurt you this way. I can see happiness now, I can't even see it when I'm with you. If I could, I promise you I wouldn't be leaving. 

I let myself become an accessory to your life plan, and I neglected the ones I had for myself. I wasn't ready to compromise the life I wanted for the one that you do. I'm still learning about myself and what's truly important to me, and until I figure all that out, there's no way I'll have the conviction to stay true to my own beliefs and allow someone else in. 

I was young and insecure when I met you, and you built me back up from a very low point in my life. I relied on you heavily and your family and I tried to be who I thought I was supposed to be and what would make everyone else happy. I forgot to think about me, and I forgot to listen to me. But in these last 9 months or so that inner voice just got louder and louder. 

I'm not sure of your intentions with that comment about me possibly being a closet lesbian, but I don't appreciate it. Just because "I believe" in homosexuality, and it's important to me that no matter who you love, as a human being you should be afforded the same rights and respect, doesn't mean I'm gay.  I haven't believed in God since 7th grade, and just like I cannot change you, that part of me will not falter. I'm sorry it took me this long to accept that it's more than just doubt and skepticism and to recognize that it doesn't make me a bad person. 

I'm sorry I used the phrase "waste my time" I was not implying that our years together were a waste, I was simply referring to this terrible phase of indecision and that when I know deep down there is no happy future, there is no point in prolonging this pain. I know that this isn't what you want. But I also know that soon you will feel the relief of not having to constantly walk on egg shells around me and wonder if when you call me will I be the loving Liz you used to know or will I be the angry bitter girl who doesn't seem to have the time for you. Building a life together is not easy, but I swear loving someone is easier then this has been. 

Our time will never be a waste, I will forever be changed because of knowing you, and who knows how long it would have taken for me to be honest with myself about who I really am if I hadn't met you.  I've learned so much about what I want and don't want and what's really important and what doesn't really matter as much as I thought it did. I've found the strength to listen to myself above all the other voices of my family and friends and society and even you. 

If you're not living a life that you want to live, there's no point. I was going down a very dark path of self destruction and wallowing and was just accepting that this is the life I get. That's not a healthy way to live. 

It may take me a while, but I know I'm going to find the life that I truly want and I hope you do too.

Just the way I'll always be your first, you'll always be my first husband, and you will always be important to me. 

Love,

Liz

I wasn't sure about signing off with Love, but it's the truth. I do love him and I know a part of me always will. 

I'm scared and nervous about the future, but mostly excited. I feel free and like I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm lucky I have all these people in my life that love me, because if I didn't, I don't know if I would be strong enough to walk away from this.

Cheers to the future and the rest of my life!