Portlandia

So I’m sitting in the O’Hare International Airport in Chicago…my flight should be boarding in a half hour… but I should have been back in Philly by now… honestly the uncertainty of travel is what gets me most anxious. Delayed flight out of Portland, watched my plane leave from Chicago… got told that I won’t be getting out of here until 7am tomorrow and was like fuck that I just saw 12 people not get on that flight that was supposed to be held because we were delayed leaving Portland because you assholes here were congested. So yep, commuter plane with only 48 seats… I’m glad I don’t have to spend the night here but I’m actually sort of terrified of commuter planes… like there should be another word other than turbulence for what’s experienced in those tiny metal death traps. Luckily my affinity for sleep far out weighs my paranoid fear of plummeting to my death and I sleep on most flights I take. I love take off and landing though, which is nonsensical because statistically speaking, those are the most likely times for shit to go wrong.

So Portland was pretty damn fantastic. One complaint, not enough trashcans… like San Diego I have to give you props for that, they’re on every block out there and sometimes half way through the block.  Subsequently the city is really clean, plus the street sweeping they do… But yea other than that Portland, you didn’t let me down. So many bikers and walkers, they really make it so easy! The Saturday market was amazing, got some hilarious shirts, and visited Powell’s books, which I could spend a lifetime in not even exaggerating a little. Seriously, largest bookstore EVER, with themed rooms and a rare books room which was really cool. Had to eat some VooDoo Donuts, and I totally pigged out… Captain my captain (cap’n crunch on a donut) Rasberry Romeo OMG couldn’t get enough of that filling, Old fashioned Maple – delicious, Sailor got a Maple Bacon one which was a thing to be hold, and then of course the famous VooDoo doll donut being stabbed by a pretzel. Went to the International Rose Garden this morning and was kicking myself because I totally should have put aside an entire afternoon for that place, not an hour…. Only thing for certain, I MUST GO BACK.

Everything else just feels totally jumbled now. It was really nice to spend some solid time with my Sailor and to just relax. I made it mandatory for no phone calls to or from his folks, so that was nice. We had a wetting down Saturday night, which means anyone on the ship who got a promotion pays for an awesome party where everyone else drinks for free. I will have to say I’m still impressed with the Sailor. I didn’t even say anything to him and he decided of his own accord to just stick with beer the whole evening, no liquor and he was great! I think I got more drunk then he did… so that was a pleasant change. I can see he’s trying, and that he wants to do everything he can to make things better and different, I just still don’t believe that they can be.

Finally home and in bed now, and so dreading going into work tomorrow… I’m definitely going to be a total zombie. Everyone is already asking how Portland was, and some people I know the underlying question really is, did you do it?? Did you finally have the balls and conviction to just say it, “I want a divorce”. The word “divorce” was actually spoken several times, but not really from my mouth…I did use the phrase “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results”. He acknowledged that he’d been taking me for granted and wasn’t always putting me first because he thought he had me forever. That he knows he needed to work on his drinking and that he’s much better, that he’s improved on the household chores front, that he’s more practical about spending money, that he’s actively trying not to make fun of me when we’re out with other people.  How he’ll talk with his parents when he gets back in August and how we won’t live near them and there will be boundaries. We genuinely had a nice time together but it’s hard for me to discern what’s due to our level of comfort, to my longing for companionship, and what’s actually just from him.

It really didn’t help that the whole time I was in Portland I couldn’t help but think about the Mountain Man. I saw this really interesting cycling shop as we were walking around downtown and immediately thought of him and that if I was here with him, we so would have gone in and stayed for a while. Then I wondered how my Sailor would feel if he knew how often I think about another man. When I was at the Rose Garden this morning I just knew the Mountain Man would have had a field day with his camera. I often fantasize how we would take trips together to places specifically to get our amateur photography fix.  I used to think that the Sailor and I balanced each other out, but now it feels more like we’re way too different to ever weather the storm of this so called life. But there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want that to be true and I don’t fully understand it. I know I don’t want to hurt him, and I know I don’t want to have to admit to being wrong, and I don’t want to have invested so much time into something for nothing.

My Sailor told me that I can’t let go of all the shit that’s happened over the years because I’m holding onto those reasons to justify leaving. I said I’m afraid that I don’t love him the way I’m supposed to be able to make it through all the ups and downs we’re bound to face, and that he’s right I let go of so much shit that my family has put me through, but I can’t seem to do the same for him. I said I was sorry that I don’t know why I can’t do that for him, and he said because you were hoping to find someone you wouldn’t have to do that for. I cried, as he held me and said you only gave me a year, I know so much more now, we can start over.   

I want to believe him that we can start over, but there’s this part of me that thinks this all might have been doomed from the moment I started to have feelings for the Mountain Man. That after experiencing that type of a connection, there is no way things with the Sailor will ever feel right. That even if he works his butt off to be the best partner in the world, I’ll still feel like I’m missing something.