So haven't had a great week so far, my sailor sent me an email asking how it was going and letting me know how excited he is to see me this weekend in Portland. After summarizing what's gone on since the last email I'd sent him, I was just in such a mood that I went on a bitch rant. Enjoy.
Yesterday I had to go to a funeral, my Great Aunt Rita from my Dad's side of the family died. The day started off shitty, literally, Bow crapped his crate, had to clean him up, missed the viewing and service, made it to the cemetery part and the luncheon afterwards, and then hung out with my Dad for the afternoon since I hadn't seen him in a while and won't be seeing him on Father's day. Got home, Bow had crapped the crate again.
I'm not too worried because I think it has everything to do with the popsicle your parents insisted he neededSunday night because it was so hot... I'm pretty sure the food coloring and sugar was too much for his stomach.. I had some of that ID canned food left from the last time your parents let him eat bad shit for him, and he got sick on me. He slept through the night fine and (my new Roomie) is home with him this morning.
Sunday night when I was over at your folks, your sister was actually home too, but she purposefully stayed in the TV room and never came out into the living room to say hi or anything. The only time she surfaced, and she stayed out in the hallway and I was sitting in the corner where your bookcase used to be so I didn't see her face, was to let us know that the lunch lady's husband died (I didn't know the name.. maybe from QOP? apparently it's very sad especially because the daughter has cancer...)
I just feel like I'm owed an apology for how disrespectful (your sister) has been through out this whole thing. And yet it totally feels like everyone sees me as the bad guy in this situation, which is fucking bullshit. Like not only was all of it just rude in general, but it was extra awful because I'm not just a random person who was her roommate that she was fucking over, I'm her sister in law, and it's also disrespectful to you and our marriage. Because even if things were great, we already have the stress of the separation, like my "home" should be a relaxing environment, not stressful. By no means did this make everything else going on, any better.
The whole thing was a shitty situation to be put in, and when I asked your parents for help, all I got was, we trust you and that you'll do what you need to do. Meanwhile your mom's saying shit to (her friend) in front of me about how she's so not looking forward to (your sister's) messes being back in the house, as if to say I'm such an awful person to be putting her daughter back in her house. It's not my job to remind (your sister) she still owes me money, and when I see her going down the shore and partying with her friends and showing off new shoes I want to slap her. Like how dare you be flaunting all that shit when you owe me $700 and I've already agreed to cut that in half "for you getting out so quickly and before the month was up".
And all the shit about not knowing about (your ten year old cousin's) birthday get together, or the mother's day one, or that we were also celebrating (your 30 y/o cousin's) birthday, it's honestly starting feel like your mother is doing it on purpose to make me look bad in front of the rest of your family.
I have been doing things for years for you, because I love you, and because I felt guilty and obligated to do so. Well fuck all of you. I'm not staying and trying for me, I've been doing it for you, and I don't like you enough at this point to want to stay or try anymore.
You say all of the right things, all these nice and lovely things, about how much you love me and how beautiful I am. But you never make me feel that way about myself. You make me feel self conscious when you grab my stomach rolls, and the fat under my chin, and when you make comments about how much I love food. You don't talk to me respectfully when we're alone or in public, you think I'm ridiculous for wanting more from you because my god it's not like you're beating me or cheating. They way you talk to me about "how you and your family have been there for me" and "who else loves me as much as you do" you've convinced me that those things are true, but they're fucking not. You and your family have been a huge part of my life for the past 6 years, but my siblings, and my parents, and (BFF since I was 3) and (BFF since I was 6) have been there a hell of a lot longer. They know me, and they saw me becoming someone that I wasn't and I was way too in love with you to see it.
I am strong, funny, smart, and beautiful, could I stand to get back in shape, of course I could but I haven't been able to love myself enough to really be committed to it, because you have made me feel small, and stupid and unworthy. That if I didn't have you, I'd have no one, that no one else could ever love me as much you do. That I'm just an over reactive bitch, who's unreasonable, and I just need to be oh so grateful I found someone to put up with my crazy self. So I have stayed and recommitted myself to you over and over again after wanting to leave so many times. But the thing is, I know that I wouldn't be so crazy and mean if I wasn't so frustrated and disappointed all the time. And I know that out of the sheer number of people in this world, you will never be the only one to love me.
The glass has been shattered, and either this weekend in Portland you can show me why you are worthy of me, or I'm done. I don't want any of this, and you can't make me want it, and staying just because I love you and don't want to hurt you, is not doing either one of us any favors.
No comments:
Post a Comment