Picking up the Pieces

In a few days it will be three weeks since I pulled the proverbial divorce trigger. There's been some hard days and I've cried myself to sleep a few times, but overall I feel a million times better. The amount of relief I've felt and all the guilt that has just melted away, I know without a doubt this was the right thing to do. I really do hate that I have to hurt him, but I'm trying not to look at that way… if anything there's a part of me that feels like it's his turn to hurt anyways.  

There were a few more emails sent after the last entry so here they are:

Monday the 14th:

Lil,

The closet lesbian was just a joke of levity.  I never event thought that for a sec.  please don't take everything so personal. I know you are not happy.  I'm sorry you didn't see light at the end of the tunnel.  I do. I know you would have been happy once you came back out.  I wish you would have tried it.  I've learned a lot from you as well.  I never wanted you to change what you believe in, just wanted you to change how you looked at me and what I believed in.  That wasn't "the man," but rather an individual who could work with you.  I never thought you were changing me just making me a more well rounded person.  I never wanted to change you.  I tried to integrate your life wishes: to hold off on kids, follow your career as much as you could, I joind the navy so we could get married because I wanted a steady income for us starting our life (or at least that’s what I was thinking. I always wanted to be in, so that obviously affected it, but honestly I prob wouldn’t have joined if I weren’t concerned about the wedding.) Sorry I never let ou in to see that. You might have been happier and still here. I wish you could change your mind.  I pray about it every day, but you don’t believe in that so it might be going on deaf ears. (joke to add levity) I wish you would reconsider or at least hold off on the paperwork for a while to make sure this is what you want.  But I know you made up your mind.  I'm glad youre happy now though.  I love you more than ever.

Lilly,

Sorry I was in the middle of Khaki call while writing the last email.  I have one proposal.  I hope this doesn't get you upset, so LISTEN. ;)  Since you might have to come back to San Diego anyway for the year for your sister, I propose this.  Put our marriage on a one year trial.  If you aren’t as happy as a clam by then, we will both be at ease with this. I know I will.  I know I am asking a lot from you because the decision you had to make was hard and took a lot of chutzpa.  But please think about it.  I think it will be a world of a difference.  I don’t want to stand in the way of your dreams.  I want to facilitate them. I don’t have any dreams other than a life with you.  Sure I have ideas & dreams of what I want to do but that wont take me away like the navy and wont take away from  your dreams.  It's just one year and if it is not working we will amicably help each other out in preparing for the rest of our lives.  Just please think about this.  You don’t need to answer right away. Just think about it. I know you love me. You're lost in a maelstrom of emotions and thoughts and worries and wants.  I feel that now.  This seems desperate and maybe it is.  I feel like an animal backed into a corner fighting for its life and will do anything to save it.  You, as I have told you before, are my life. I know the whole religion thing is a problem, but it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker.  My family: we can set boundaries like we talked about.  My friends: I'm married.  I don't need to see them that often or seldom . This isn’t me giving up my life for you.  This is me wanting save my life with you.  I don't know much else hun, but I do know that we have only had about a year together in the past 3-4 years.  Please just think about it.  I hope this doesn’t fall on deaf ears.  I love you so much.  I'm sorry I didn't understand till now.  You're my favorite.

Love
Sailor


I told you in the initial email the reason why I don't want to wait until after moving back in with you and giving it one more shot. I don't think I'd survive this without my support group.

The religion thing may not be a deal breaker for you, but it is for me. To be able to raise children together we have to be on the same page about our values and we just aren't. 

I firmly believe that if I don't leave now, I'll leave you later. There's no point in prolonging this and giving you false hopes. I'm done trying, I tried and waited my little heart out. I've got nothing left. 

Regardless of all this, I don't want to be your whole life, that's a lot of pressure for one person. I shouldn't be your only source of support and responsible for your happiness. 

I just don't fit into your world and I've never felt comfortable or like myself in it. It doesn't matter how badly you want it to work out and for us to fit together, we're from different puzzles, and we'll never align the way we should.

If you truly think that I'm doing this just because I'm emotional and fed up and that I'll change my mind, I will file for a legal separation for now. I have to find out if it matters for the divorce papers where you file for the separation. If it doesn't matter, I will file in the next week or so. If it does, it may have to wait until I get back out to California, so either way you'll get more time.

Sailor you deserve for someone to love you as unconditionally as you love me. And I deserve the chance to find someone who invokes that kind of love in me. I'm sorry that it's not you, and I don't believe that kind of love "comes with time". I think that kind of all in or nothing kind of love just happens without you even realizing it.

Tuesday the 15th:

Hey Hun,

        I won't bother you with emails and I will call you once I get back to HI on the 30th or somewhere around there.  I gotta look at the schedule again but it's on a different computer system that I don’t have in front of me right now. One thing I wanted ask was if you would be willing to see a councilor.  If you're already dead set, there is not much I can do, but if you're willing, I think it couldn't hurt.  Either way I hope you are doing well and enjoying your summer in Philadelphia.  I like the tattoo by the way.
        Just got done a swim call in the middle of the ocean out here.  Those waves are brutal, but it was pretty awesome and a little scary to think about being stranded in the middle of the ocean floating.  Definitely a reality check. It reminded me of JAWS because there are a lot of sharks out here.  I got stung in the foot by a jellyfish.  No big deal though.
        Wish you could be here just to hear the Koreans, Japanese and Chinese on the comms. It reminds me of what I always say. Erizabef, you funni giyal.

Anyway, I Love you and will talk to you later.

Hey,

That whole ocean thing is pretty cool, don't really like the shark part so much, but I do always like the notion of being reminded of how small we really are...

I got an awesome phone call yesterday. I don't know how much I shared with you, but I had called the VP of the Planning Department who offered that full time position to the intern and she turned it down. The VP (Paz) emailed me back last week and said she was sorry she hadn't called back but was very busy and was going to continue to be busy for the next few weeks but that she was cc'ing Dan Lee the new group manager for the Civil Transportation group who started in March. She gave a little blurb about who I was and told him to look at my resume saved to the drives in the ex-employee folder. I emailed Dan immediately saying I wasn't sure if that resume was up to date, please find a current one attached and I would very much appreciate a phone call if he had the time.

He called me yesterday and we had a very informal phone interview. I also got word on Friday that my old group won it's first big contract since everything went to shit. $10M contract with Caltrans. So apparently my old VP Ed and Dan have been talking about me possibly coming back to the SD office proper as part of Dan's group, and then when things start picking up in the Water Resource group when the new Caltrans work starts up, I'll transition to working for both groups, and possibly if that Orange County thing comes through, I may still be needed to fill that role.  I wasn't given any type of timeline, and Dan seemed wary because he doesn't know me. I wrote him a follow up email and he responded well so we'll see. It was definitely more and better news than what I've heard up to this point.

If seeing a counselor together when I get back out to California is something that will help you with this, than I'd be willing. But I'm telling you that nothing is going to change my feelings that this was never meant to last. Yes there were somethings done by both of us that should not have happened, or could have been handled better, but there is no outright bad guy or good guy in any of this. It's just a lack of long term compatibility. That doesn't take away from the good of our relationship, I just know that I need something different. And it's not your fault that I didn't recognize or come to terms with this until now.

Your emails are not a bother, but I'm trying really hard to keep this as objective as possible and to the facts of all of it. There's a lot that has happened that I can't let go of that I have a lot of anger about. I don't want to be pushed to a point where I'm going to start lashing out at you in a mean and hurtful way.  You don't deserve that, and that side of me... I really hate it, and it was starting to feel like that was the only side that came out when you'd call. 

Considering the contact I've received from your family, I've gathered you haven't told them yet. I will be polite, but for the most part I will continue to keep my distance. It's not my place, nor responsibility to share this with them, and I understand if you need more time to do so.

That Friday before I headed up to Vermont for the weekend, I got a phone call from his best friend. It was totally out of the blue and something I could never have guessed would happen. But he basically called saying he heard from Sailor but the conversation had been short and that he'd been very emotional and angry. He wanted to know more about what went wrong and if it'd be more prudent to give Sailor pep talks and go get her tiger or help him see this is best and it's not the end of the world. I think I was able to convince of the latter quite easily. He actually agreed with several of my points, particularly the drinking and his family. It was a weird conversation to have, but if it will help the Sailor to have a friend pushing him towards the reality of all this and out of denial, then fine. So yea his family and friends seem to know now, so that's definitely progress.

Last Friday I got an email from him letting me know that he'll be in town the 16th - 26th of August.  I didn't respond until today, I was waiting to have my therapy session that was last night.

Hey,

I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner but I wanted to talk to my therapist first to make sure we could actually do what I want to do.

I'm sure you want to meet up, but I don't ever want to be at your parents' house again, and I don't really want you in the townhouse either.

One of your final pleas was to try joint counseling, even though when I suggested you should start seeing someone your response to me was that I was the one who was crazy and stressed, that you were fine.

She agreed to have a double session with us. It's scheduled for August 20th and I think it's at 6 or 6:45. I have my next session with her on the 14th to talk about an agenda for this joint meeting to make our time as fruitful as possible.

Let me know if there's anything in specific you'd like us to talk about.

We need to let the Lushins know by September 1st whether or not we'll be moving out, or if you'd like to renegotiate the lease. We must be out by September 30th.

If you are positive you want to find somewhere new, the more heads up we can give them, I'm sure they'll appreciate it.

I'll make sure to pick a weekend before the 30th of September to come out and pack the rest of my things and most likely store them at Sofia's or Mel's until I figure out what I'm doing. Would any weekend in particular be better for you? The sooner you let me know, the better, I don't want to pay a fortune for my flight.

I've done some research, and it looks like we qualify for a dissolution in the state of California. This means no court, and no lawyers. There's a few requirements to qualify such as being married less than 5 years, no children, no property, neither spouse is seeking alimony, and our combined debt is less than $6,000, and we have a signed property agreement for the assets we do have.

The debt situation is the only one I'm not sure if we qualify for that yet. Forming a game plan to pay our debt down is one of my main concerns anyways.

I know some of this might be too much to handle right now, and that your probably still hoping I'm being overly emotional and I'll calm down and things will go back to the way they were.

But things will never be able to go back to the way they were. Too much has happened. I know you have already changed a lot of the things that were triggers for our fights, but it's really a case of too little too late as well as too many things you really can't control.

I love the idea of being able to start over, but I'm just never going to forget crying myself to sleep on the night of our wedding.

His Response:

I love you too.  I'll see you when I see you. I guess your even with having each other cry ourselves to sleep.  I'm sorry you're not happy. I do love you and want you to be happy.

Love,

Sailor

So I haven't responded yet and I guess he's not interested in going to the therapy session? I just know that I'm still too vulnerable to be entirely alone with him. I'm still me and he's still him and whatever drew us together in the first place still exists. He still knows me and my weaknesses and even though I'm now aware of how manipulative he can be, doesn't make me immune to it.  I wish this could be like any other break up… you call it quits and then that's it, you get to start picking up the pieces and beginning to moving on. It's probably going to be a year before everything will legally done and I'll never have to see or talk to him again if that's what I want.

I'm excited to be starting the next chapter of my life and to have virtually hit the reset button, but now I will carry around the label of divorce, a label I thought I'd never have. I mentioned this sentiment in therapy and she basically said I shouldn't even count this as a marriage. That our relationship never reached the level it should have to be a real marriage.  I guess I agree with that, but regardless of that, whoever is next in my future, they will not be my only husband. Luckily I guess we never did get to go on a honeymoon so at least I still have that to look forward to.

I'm sitting here in my living room with the dog next to me thinking that I never would have guessed he'd be the last thing I'd decide to eradicate from my life to get back on track.  I was initially trying to sell him to try and break even on some of his expenses but he's not puppy anymore and I tend to be too candid about how much effort he can be. I think I may have finally found a new home for him and they're willing to give me the value of all his stuff at least. Hopefully that will work out, I'm about drop $100 on him so I can go to Montreal this weekend!

I'm so excited, I went to school in Burlington, VT and yet I never made it into Canada. The weekend should be a lot of fun, but I'm also a little nervous about it too. There is this girl that will be a part of the group I'm traveling with who is good friends with Mountain Man. There's a part of me that feels like I should filter myself, but there's another that thinks it might be an opportunity. To be honest after making the final decision and breaking out of this cage I've been trapped in, the obsession with the idea of how much better my life could have been if I'd chosen to pursue the Mountain Man instead of recommitting to the sailor, has decreased significantly. I think part of it was because it was my happy fantasy that I could cling to, to help me just get through all the bullshit that was happening. But I don't really need the fantasy anymore because now I have no idea what's in store for me, I just know whatever it is, will be better than what I had previously resigned myself for. 

Although I may be a little nervous about what I might say, I'm pretty sure there's no way I could embarrass myself any further when it comes to Mountain Man. I still think it's pretty stupid that two people have spent the last three years thinking a whole lot about the other and now we don't even talk… but I have to respect that from his point of view, nothing good would ever come from talking to me. During the serious obsessive compulsive phase of the fantasy, the one thing everyone kept saying was he's in Alaska, even if things were different it wouldn't work. But I uprooted myself before, and I did that for an asshole, it's hard to say to myself that I wouldn't be willing to do that for someone I actually admire.  

Well for now, I'm in Philly for the foreseeable future. There's no husband I have to get back to, and my baby sister is no longer doing her field training out in San Diego. I'm still in the running for this potential job for Orange County, but the opportunity with the other group fell through. They decided they wanted someone with more technical experience. I don't think there's any harm in keeping my name in the hat for the OC job. I liked California and I really think it would be a million times better to be there on my own terms. 

Looking forward to the weekend and hopefully I won't have any issues getting back into the country!

The Closing of the Door

Late Thursday I got an email from the Sailor telling me he was getting ready to send in his slate sheet for his next tour and if I was still ok with what we talked about. Basically he was planning on doing everything he could to stay in San Diego and would possibly take a shitty job option that would not allow for a fruitful career in the Navy. I didn't want to be responsible for that and for whatever reason I was finally ready to just be honest. Below is the play out of the end.

FRIDAY: 

Hey Sailor,

I love you and I miss you. I think those will both be true for the rest of my life. But I also know that if I don't leave you now, I'll leave later. We've been dancing around this conservation for months, and it seems like I've started it a million times only to let you talk me out of it, or I chicken out and chalk it up to not being the right time.

There will never be a right time, there will never be the best way to do it, and it will never be easy. This sucks, and it's sad and it hurts and it makes me physically ill and nauseous and anxious. I feel like crying most of the time and I constantly just want a reset button and I'm pretty sure I'd do anything to not be in this situation. But we are over, there is no coming back from this. As soon as I figure out my job situation and where I'll be living for the foreseeable future, I will be filing for divorce.

I hate that this is via email, but I also feel like it's the only way to get through it. I do love you, and of course I'm attracted to you, so every time I see you and we talk on the phone, all the reasons I love you are still there, and we'll always have a connection and a degree of compatibility, but I don't love you the way that I used to, and I don't think I've ever loved you the way you love me. I don't think I ever could, you never love anyone the way you love your first. I do not love you the way I need to, to be able to forgive you for everything that has already happened, and to make it through all the other battles we're bound to face across a lifetime together. I should have never let you think it was acceptable to treat me the way that you have over our years together. Just because some may have it worse, does not make the way you talk to me, or put drinking with your friends, or your mother's feelings above me an okay thing to do.

It feels unfair to hold out any longer when I know I don't want this. Hearing you talk about your slating and doing every thing you can to stay in San Diego to be with me ignited this sense of urgency.

I think you need to pick your slating based on what would be the best for a successful career in the Navy. You're finally happy with what you're doing, and it seems like you're good at it and have a different and refreshing take on managing people and that the men and women you work with really benefit from you being a part of the crew.

You ask all the time why can't I see any of the good times, why do I only focus on the negative. I wouldn't still be here if all I saw was the negative, I would have left years ago. I know that things would be better and different if I moved back in with you. I know that you've been working really hard, but it feels like you want to change and do better only because you've recognized how your behavior has affected me negatively and you don't want to hurt me. Which is great, but it doesn't feel like you ever had that moment of, hey this kind of stuff is really ridiculous for me to be doing as a grown ass man I need to shape the fuck up. When you change for someone else and not yourself, it never sticks.

But changing those superficial things, will not fix the deeper issue. No matter how hard you work at being a better partner, it's not going to be enough. It's really hard to admit that, but it's the truth. You asked me in Portland at one point if I really thought I was that much better than you, and I said of course not, because it feels rude to admit to those kinds of feelings. It started my senior year and progressed over the last few years, and especially our year together in San Diego. If we had just been dating, I would not have made it past November.

We're never going to have a successful partnership when I don't respect you or view us as equals. Yes respect can be earned, and maybe there's the potential for you to work hard enough to change my feelings about that, but there's too many other issues on the negative side of the scale.

We are not on the same page at all when it comes to how we'll raise our children, and it's not just the catholic thing, which I know I point to most often but that's because it's a tangible and easier thing to talk about. I thought I was ok with raising children catholic because I was and I turned out fine. But I was deeply affected by the culture shock I got when I went to public high school and my world got so much bigger, and I don't want my children to have to wait for a day for their world to "get bigger" like that. You ask me what will I raise them, and I think it's stupid to require a label. I will raise them to be understanding, smart, kind, capable, self sufficient and loving people.  I will teach them about all the religions, and about science and evolution. I will let them chose for themselves one day, and I will never force them to practice some construct created by a bunch of old men who just needed a good reason to get people to do what they wanted them to do.  I don't ever want a child of mine to feel like they are unworthy of my love or some god's love because of a feeling they had or something they did is considered a sin. I don't want that to be a part of my household.

Everything with your family has done nothing at all to make any of this better. I've spent my life being pulled in every direction trying to make everyone happy and always disappointing someone. I cannot handle having another entity that is so needy, and invasive and disrespectful. I didn't get to choose the family I was born into, but I will not purposefully subject myself and any future children of mine to your family. They are judgmental, and closed minded, and I never feel like I can ever voice my honest opinions about anything when I'm with them. How everything has gone down with Bow and your sister, there's no way I would ever trust my children with your family. That is not what I want in my life. There's already animosity between our families, my mother invites your parents and siblings and grandparents to every family party she has and your folks never show up let alone bother to respond. I already have to split up my time as it is, and I cannot make myself care enough about your family to want to splice it even further. You talk about boundaries and that we won't have to see them all the time, but your mother doesn't respect any of that, and I just don't see a future where I can have a close relationship with my parents and keep yours at a distance. And frankly, you shouldn't have to keep away from your family, that's really not fair to you and it's going to lead to resentment eventually.

I can see myself moving back in with you and just staying with you a few more years because it's safe and comfortable,  A lot can happen in a few years, you could get out of the Navy for me, and that would just increase the weight of guilt I carry with me everyday, and could lead to resentment from you later on when you may not find something as fulfilling. We could potentially have a child, and I promised myself I'd never subject my kids to what I went through. And I know in my heart of hearts, I don't want to raise children with you.

I've already adjusted to you not being a part of my everyday life and the idea of having to go through this awful period all over again, and possibly having do it far away from my support group, isn't a risk I'm willing to take.

I'm sorry I allowed things to get to this point, but it's only because I desperately wanted to believe that things could be ok. But I'm not going to settle for ok, I deserve more than ok. I want a big loud and exciting life, not a small quiet one constantly being forgotten at your side.

I've been battling with this truth for months, but I cannot sacrifice my own happiness for yours. I'm sorry I have to hurt you, but I cannot be sorry for being true to myself.

Sailor's reply that afternoon:

Love you too

SATURDAY:

While driving to Towson after my first 5k (woo hoo, was so proud and very excited about getting back into shape) I got a phone call from the sailor. He apparently pulled some strings to use the satellite phone. The phone call was rough and was mostly him imploring me to reconsider and that I can't use that year together in San Diego as a litmus test that he was depressed that it wasn't him. I told him this isn't out of the blue I've been waiting for things to get better for years and I've been struggling with the notion of divorce for several months now. 

Our phone call ended ubruptly and I got a quick email saying:

Lost phone signal(out in the middle of the ocean).  Enjoy your weekend.  Love you still. Also, I got cut off try to tell you that I'm will fight for you until you don't love me anymore.  I love you Elizabeth.  From the first moment that we went out to see the worst movie known to man.

Which of course made me cry. 

I then went and got my first tattoo ever with my sister. It's on the inside of my right wrist and reads " I.iii.78" which stands for Act 1 Scene 3 Line 78 from hamlet which says "to thine own self be true". My grandmother on my moms side used to say it all the time and it's a family saying now. I'd be thinking about getting it, the sailor doesn't like tattoos so I'd always held off. After pulling the divorce trigger and running that race just for me, it felt like there couldn't be a more appropriate time.

Shortly after, I got this email, with the subject line being lyrics from our wedding song:

Hey hun,

 

Sorry about the subject line.  Just stuck in my head.  I know you want this to be finalized and start moving on.  It makes it easier and you can start to try and find how to be happy again.  I may not be a smart man, or a good man, but I do know what love is.  If you do move back to san diego, I don’t see why we can’t try and at least give a trial run like dating all over again before you give me the boot.  Maybe this is what you need to do, but I can’t help feeling that if you love me still, there is a chance. But my feelings may not based in reality.  I’ll continue to try until it is over because I promised to love you in good times and in bad, but more importantly without any of those vows I would do the same, because I think you are worth fighting for.  If anything, you should at least take that as a compliment.  I love you and don’t want to bother you, but I want to be a part of you daily life like we we’re talking about 2 weeks ago.  I don’t know what changes from week to week, but I understand you’re not happy, and that is our number one goal: to make you happy again.  So if this is what it takes, then unfortunately for me this is what it will take.  I don’t think it is, but you know me I’m a hopeless dreamer, or dillusional idiot.  Either way.  I love you and miss you.  You’re my favorite ( picture with messed up hands and an accent)  Stay beautiful.

 

Love Sailor

 

To which I replied:

Hey,

I know you think this is the easier thing to do, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done. But I cannot explain the level of relief I felt today, I just know this is what I need to do.

You are not a bad man, and our issues may seem small compared to those of other people. But when I know I don't want to have children with you, it doesn't matter how much other good there is in this relationship. There is no real future. I'm not going to waste anymore of my time or yours.

What was important to me when I was 19, 21, and even 23, is not the same as what's important to me now.

I cannot be myself with you, I don't listen to myself, and I'm not ok with that.

Maybe if things in SD had been better and I hadn't come back to the east coast we would have stayed together longer. But I would have left eventually and there might have been kids by then.

This has not felt right for me for years. And I clung to my reasons because I thought if there were reasons, that meant it could be fixed and it would feel right again. Sometimes it's just not right. I need something different, and I can't give you specifics because I don't know yet all of what I do want, I just know this isn't it.

I will always love you because love doesn't just disappear. But whether it's cliche or not, I'm not in love with you.

I don't want to constantly feel guilty, or like I'm lucky you put up with me because you make me feel ridiculous and unreasonable and that if I didn't have you, I'd have no one. I want better than that. I don't want to be bitter and angry all the time.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are and doesn't expect you to change and make you feel like you're not good enough.

I'm sorry, but I'm just not that person.


Which he replied:

Alright Lilly,

I love you and if it ever matters am still in love with you. I just want you to know that like what you had to do, none of this is easy for me.  I guess that goes without saying.  Even though I don't agree with you and your conclusion, I appreciate you making the choices you are making because you think they are the right thing to do.  I'll never agree with it. I hope you'll understand that.  I've never been a quitter, but I love you too much to make this difficult for you.  I'll make this as easy as I can.  You're still my favorite.  I love you and am sorry that I am not the man of your dreams like you are mine.(not man but rather girl) I hope you find what you are looking for. As much as I would love to be friends because you are my best friend, I don't think I'd be able to handle seeing you with anyone. Call it selfish or what you will.  This e-mail is kind of a stream of consciousness.  I don't want to lose you but it seems by the way you speak that I already had the day I met you.  I just want you to know that even through all the difficulties and terrible times that I've always been happy that I met you.  It's hard to say that. Even now I'm still happy I met you, it's weird.  I can’t explain it.  Through all the pain and heartache, I still can help feeling that.  You know how I don’t like to talk about my feelings.  I'm glad I met you and one day I hope you feel the same.  I'm sure life will go on, but I can't help feeling like it will never be what I wanted out of it. I hope your right about all this.  I love you.  Be happy and please remember that I love you and just want you to be happy.

Love you always and forever,
Sailor

SUNDAY:

After talking to my dad until 3:15 in the morning and heading to bed around 4, I was woken up by a phone call from the Sailor. They were close enough to Hawaii's coast to get a signal. This time he was more sad and mostly said he wanted to hear my voice and that he feels like half a person and that he has nothing. I told him to call someone and he said if I do that it'll make it real. And I don't want anyone to think badly about you, and I said they're going to. They love you and I'm hurting you. It's going to happen and it's ok. I told him this is too hard to get through alone that he needs to reach out to someone. He was saying there's no one he shares his feelings with that he could hardly do it with me (yea definitely one of our issues). I told him he has to start talking and that you can't rely on one person for support. We talked about some logistics and he talked about how all he can think about is kissing my forehead. Which caused me to break down and full out sob. I told him I'm sorry I have to hurt him but that I cant do this that this isn't enough for me. The whole thing sucked and it was rough. But starting at my tattoo while talking on the phone just gave me such comfort. It was a constant reminder that I did this for me and that it's ok I did this for me and it doesn't make me a bad person.

Later I got this email from him:

Lilbit,

I'm glad I got to talk to you this morning.  I hope you are doing better.  I don’t like it when you cry but it made me feel like you cared and were hurt by this too which made me feel like I'm not all alone.  This still hurts a lot.  I know you're searching for what you want out of life. I hope someday you find that it’s me and I that I haven’t moved on. Because if I do, it's only because I'm trying to fill a hole.  I'm glad you're happy.  I hope one day I'll join you in that sentiment. Until then, I love you. ;) To thine own self be true. And I'm sorry you found out I'm not the one.  If I could, I would have hid that secret from you forever. But if I may, I've thought about this a lot in my life and have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as "the one" but the one you choose.  And whoever you choose to let into your world will be a lucky man or woman.  Who knows?  I love you with all my heart.

Love,
Sailor

This morning I replied:

Hey,

I'm glad that our phone call was able to bring you some comfort, but I really do hope you understand that this hurts me too, and that I'm not happy. I'm relieved to be out of limbo and to know that this is the first step towards finding happiness. But by no means did I want this for my life, or did I ever want to hurt you this way. I can see happiness now, I can't even see it when I'm with you. If I could, I promise you I wouldn't be leaving. 

I let myself become an accessory to your life plan, and I neglected the ones I had for myself. I wasn't ready to compromise the life I wanted for the one that you do. I'm still learning about myself and what's truly important to me, and until I figure all that out, there's no way I'll have the conviction to stay true to my own beliefs and allow someone else in. 

I was young and insecure when I met you, and you built me back up from a very low point in my life. I relied on you heavily and your family and I tried to be who I thought I was supposed to be and what would make everyone else happy. I forgot to think about me, and I forgot to listen to me. But in these last 9 months or so that inner voice just got louder and louder. 

I'm not sure of your intentions with that comment about me possibly being a closet lesbian, but I don't appreciate it. Just because "I believe" in homosexuality, and it's important to me that no matter who you love, as a human being you should be afforded the same rights and respect, doesn't mean I'm gay.  I haven't believed in God since 7th grade, and just like I cannot change you, that part of me will not falter. I'm sorry it took me this long to accept that it's more than just doubt and skepticism and to recognize that it doesn't make me a bad person. 

I'm sorry I used the phrase "waste my time" I was not implying that our years together were a waste, I was simply referring to this terrible phase of indecision and that when I know deep down there is no happy future, there is no point in prolonging this pain. I know that this isn't what you want. But I also know that soon you will feel the relief of not having to constantly walk on egg shells around me and wonder if when you call me will I be the loving Liz you used to know or will I be the angry bitter girl who doesn't seem to have the time for you. Building a life together is not easy, but I swear loving someone is easier then this has been. 

Our time will never be a waste, I will forever be changed because of knowing you, and who knows how long it would have taken for me to be honest with myself about who I really am if I hadn't met you.  I've learned so much about what I want and don't want and what's really important and what doesn't really matter as much as I thought it did. I've found the strength to listen to myself above all the other voices of my family and friends and society and even you. 

If you're not living a life that you want to live, there's no point. I was going down a very dark path of self destruction and wallowing and was just accepting that this is the life I get. That's not a healthy way to live. 

It may take me a while, but I know I'm going to find the life that I truly want and I hope you do too.

Just the way I'll always be your first, you'll always be my first husband, and you will always be important to me. 

Love,

Liz

I wasn't sure about signing off with Love, but it's the truth. I do love him and I know a part of me always will. 

I'm scared and nervous about the future, but mostly excited. I feel free and like I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm lucky I have all these people in my life that love me, because if I didn't, I don't know if I would be strong enough to walk away from this.

Cheers to the future and the rest of my life!

Portlandia

So I’m sitting in the O’Hare International Airport in Chicago…my flight should be boarding in a half hour… but I should have been back in Philly by now… honestly the uncertainty of travel is what gets me most anxious. Delayed flight out of Portland, watched my plane leave from Chicago… got told that I won’t be getting out of here until 7am tomorrow and was like fuck that I just saw 12 people not get on that flight that was supposed to be held because we were delayed leaving Portland because you assholes here were congested. So yep, commuter plane with only 48 seats… I’m glad I don’t have to spend the night here but I’m actually sort of terrified of commuter planes… like there should be another word other than turbulence for what’s experienced in those tiny metal death traps. Luckily my affinity for sleep far out weighs my paranoid fear of plummeting to my death and I sleep on most flights I take. I love take off and landing though, which is nonsensical because statistically speaking, those are the most likely times for shit to go wrong.

So Portland was pretty damn fantastic. One complaint, not enough trashcans… like San Diego I have to give you props for that, they’re on every block out there and sometimes half way through the block.  Subsequently the city is really clean, plus the street sweeping they do… But yea other than that Portland, you didn’t let me down. So many bikers and walkers, they really make it so easy! The Saturday market was amazing, got some hilarious shirts, and visited Powell’s books, which I could spend a lifetime in not even exaggerating a little. Seriously, largest bookstore EVER, with themed rooms and a rare books room which was really cool. Had to eat some VooDoo Donuts, and I totally pigged out… Captain my captain (cap’n crunch on a donut) Rasberry Romeo OMG couldn’t get enough of that filling, Old fashioned Maple – delicious, Sailor got a Maple Bacon one which was a thing to be hold, and then of course the famous VooDoo doll donut being stabbed by a pretzel. Went to the International Rose Garden this morning and was kicking myself because I totally should have put aside an entire afternoon for that place, not an hour…. Only thing for certain, I MUST GO BACK.

Everything else just feels totally jumbled now. It was really nice to spend some solid time with my Sailor and to just relax. I made it mandatory for no phone calls to or from his folks, so that was nice. We had a wetting down Saturday night, which means anyone on the ship who got a promotion pays for an awesome party where everyone else drinks for free. I will have to say I’m still impressed with the Sailor. I didn’t even say anything to him and he decided of his own accord to just stick with beer the whole evening, no liquor and he was great! I think I got more drunk then he did… so that was a pleasant change. I can see he’s trying, and that he wants to do everything he can to make things better and different, I just still don’t believe that they can be.

Finally home and in bed now, and so dreading going into work tomorrow… I’m definitely going to be a total zombie. Everyone is already asking how Portland was, and some people I know the underlying question really is, did you do it?? Did you finally have the balls and conviction to just say it, “I want a divorce”. The word “divorce” was actually spoken several times, but not really from my mouth…I did use the phrase “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results”. He acknowledged that he’d been taking me for granted and wasn’t always putting me first because he thought he had me forever. That he knows he needed to work on his drinking and that he’s much better, that he’s improved on the household chores front, that he’s more practical about spending money, that he’s actively trying not to make fun of me when we’re out with other people.  How he’ll talk with his parents when he gets back in August and how we won’t live near them and there will be boundaries. We genuinely had a nice time together but it’s hard for me to discern what’s due to our level of comfort, to my longing for companionship, and what’s actually just from him.

It really didn’t help that the whole time I was in Portland I couldn’t help but think about the Mountain Man. I saw this really interesting cycling shop as we were walking around downtown and immediately thought of him and that if I was here with him, we so would have gone in and stayed for a while. Then I wondered how my Sailor would feel if he knew how often I think about another man. When I was at the Rose Garden this morning I just knew the Mountain Man would have had a field day with his camera. I often fantasize how we would take trips together to places specifically to get our amateur photography fix.  I used to think that the Sailor and I balanced each other out, but now it feels more like we’re way too different to ever weather the storm of this so called life. But there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want that to be true and I don’t fully understand it. I know I don’t want to hurt him, and I know I don’t want to have to admit to being wrong, and I don’t want to have invested so much time into something for nothing.

My Sailor told me that I can’t let go of all the shit that’s happened over the years because I’m holding onto those reasons to justify leaving. I said I’m afraid that I don’t love him the way I’m supposed to be able to make it through all the ups and downs we’re bound to face, and that he’s right I let go of so much shit that my family has put me through, but I can’t seem to do the same for him. I said I was sorry that I don’t know why I can’t do that for him, and he said because you were hoping to find someone you wouldn’t have to do that for. I cried, as he held me and said you only gave me a year, I know so much more now, we can start over.   

I want to believe him that we can start over, but there’s this part of me that thinks this all might have been doomed from the moment I started to have feelings for the Mountain Man. That after experiencing that type of a connection, there is no way things with the Sailor will ever feel right. That even if he works his butt off to be the best partner in the world, I’ll still feel like I’m missing something.

On the War Path

So haven't had a great week so far, my sailor sent me an email asking how it was going and letting me know how excited he is to see me this weekend in Portland. After summarizing what's gone on since the last email I'd sent him, I was just in such a mood that I went on a bitch rant. Enjoy.

Hey Sailor,

Yesterday I had to go to a funeral, my Great Aunt Rita from my Dad's side of the family died. The day started off shitty, literally, Bow crapped his crate, had to clean him up, missed the viewing and service, made it to the cemetery part and the luncheon afterwards, and then hung out with my Dad for the afternoon since I hadn't seen him in a while and won't be seeing him on Father's day. Got home, Bow had crapped the crate again.

I'm not too worried because I think it has everything to do with the popsicle your parents insisted he neededSunday night because it was so hot... I'm pretty sure the food coloring and sugar was too much for his stomach.. I had some of that ID canned food left from the last time your parents let him eat bad shit for him, and he got sick on me. He slept through the night fine and (my new Roomie) is home with him this morning.

Sunday night when I was over at your folks, your sister was actually home too, but she purposefully stayed in the TV room and never came out into the living room to say hi or anything. The only time she surfaced, and she stayed out in the hallway and I was sitting in the corner where your bookcase used to be so I didn't see her face, was to let us know that the lunch lady's husband died (I didn't know the name.. maybe from QOP? apparently it's very sad especially because the daughter has cancer...)

I just feel like I'm owed an apology for how disrespectful (your sister) has been through out this whole thing. And yet it totally feels like everyone sees me as the bad guy in this situation, which is fucking bullshit. Like not only was all of it just rude in general, but it was extra awful because I'm not just a random person who was her roommate that she was fucking over, I'm her sister in law, and it's also disrespectful to you and our marriage. Because even if things were great, we already have the stress of the separation, like my "home" should be a relaxing environment, not stressful. By no means did this make everything else going on, any better.

The whole thing was a shitty situation to be put in, and when I asked your parents for help, all I got was, we trust you and that you'll do what you need to do. Meanwhile your mom's saying shit to (her friend) in front of me about how she's so not looking forward to (your sister's) messes being back in the house, as if to say I'm such an awful person to be putting her daughter back in her house. It's not my job to remind (your sister) she still owes me money, and when I see her going down the shore and partying with her friends and showing off new shoes I want to slap her. Like how dare you be flaunting all that shit when you owe me $700 and I've already agreed to cut that in half "for you getting out so quickly and before the month was up".

And all the shit about not knowing about (your ten year old cousin's) birthday get together, or the mother's day one, or that we were also celebrating (your 30 y/o cousin's) birthday, it's honestly starting feel like your mother is doing it on purpose to make me look bad in front of the rest of your family. 

I have been doing things for years for you, because I love you, and because I felt guilty and obligated to do so. Well fuck all of you. I'm not staying and trying for me, I've been doing it for you, and I don't like you enough at this point to want to stay or try anymore. 

You say all of the right things, all these nice and lovely things, about how much you love me and how beautiful I am. But you never make me feel that way about myself. You make me feel self conscious when you grab my stomach rolls, and the fat under my chin, and when you make comments about how much I love food. You don't talk to me respectfully when we're alone or in public, you think I'm ridiculous for wanting more from you because my god it's not like you're beating me or cheating. They way you talk to me about "how you and your family have been there for me" and "who else loves me as much as you do" you've convinced me that those things are true, but they're fucking not. You and your family have been a huge part of my life for the past 6 years, but my siblings, and my parents, and (BFF since I was 3) and (BFF since I was 6) have been there a hell of a lot longer. They know me, and they saw me becoming someone that I wasn't and I was way too in love with you to see it.

I am strong, funny, smart, and beautiful, could I stand to get back in shape, of course I could but I haven't been able to love myself enough to really be committed to it, because you have made me feel small, and stupid and unworthy. That if I didn't have you, I'd have no one, that no one else could ever love me as much you do.  That I'm just an over reactive bitch, who's unreasonable, and I just need to be oh so grateful I found someone to put up with my crazy self. So I have stayed and recommitted myself to you over and over again after wanting to leave so many times.  But the thing is, I know that I wouldn't be so crazy and mean if I wasn't so frustrated and disappointed all the time. And I know that out of the sheer number of people in this world, you will never be the only one to love me.

The glass has been shattered, and either this weekend in Portland you can show me why you are worthy of me, or I'm done. I don't want any of this, and you can't make me want it, and staying just because I love you and don't want to hurt you, is not doing either one of us any favors.

Obsession

I am completely and utterly obsessed with the idea of being with the Mountain Man and it needs to stop. Firstly because if I have any shot of making things work with my Sailor I can't have this alternate reality floating in my head. Second, if it turns out that this relationship isn't salvageable and I'm back on the market in like a year...I cannot have this fictionally fantastic relationship fucking up my view of reality.

So I read some articles about how to deal with Obsession and steps you can take and what not. I really liked one in particular and I'm going to try and work through the 9 steps.

1. Name the Beast - Identify the thought, what is the fear, what is the doubt, sum it up in a few sentences or words.

I missed my shot at happiness. I chose wrong. I will feel alone forever. 

Alone. Wrong. Unhappy.

2. Pencil it in - Schedule in a time where you're actually allowed to ruminate and obsess. So you can say to yourself, not time for that, I'll do that at 8 tonight.

hmm... well clearly I shouldn't obsess during working hours, but I already suck at being efficient in the mornings... but I don't want to be thinking about him right before I sleep... I already have way too many vivid dreams that I'm too happy in... those dreams are like crack....Maybe lunchtime? when I'm eating my lunch I get to obsess, check his facebook, and twitter, and whatever other social media platform and quench my inner stalker and this undeniable urge to just know him... (see obsessed... I've officially reached crazy town)

3. Laugh at it - laughter can make almost any situation tolerable.

Well my sister helps me laugh about how absurd it is... so I guess when I'm having a particularly awful attack I can call her, or even my college friends to remind how ridiculous I'm being.

4. Throw it away - Write the obsession on a piece of paper and then throw it away. Or visualize a stop sign in your head when your thoughts go in that direction.

I don't know about this one... I like the stop sign aspect, but the paper thing... do I write out his name... or the real fears I identified in step 1....

5. Learn the lesson - most people obsess about their mistakes, so figure out what you learned.

I think this is the root of my obsession with the Mountain Man... That I'm afraid that when I was given this opportunity of leaving my Sailor and possibly pursuing something with someone completely new and exciting, I stuck with what was safe. I settled for what I had even though I clearly wasn't happy. Out of everything that has transpired over the last few months, I think I've definitely learned that settling in life is the worst disservice you can do to yourself, especially when it comes to love and the partner you chose to share the rest of your life with. The rest of your life is an unfathomable amount of time...You really do need to adore that person to make it through all the hills and valleys that await you on this hopefully scenic drive through life. 

6. Reel it in - Buried within an obsession are usually pieces of truth. You need good friends to help you separate fact from fiction.

This one scares me the most because I do have a hard time determining what aspects of my fear are the truth and what are just coming from a place of self doubt and wallowing. But then there's also the flipside to this obsession where I've placed all the qualities I'm finding my Sailor to lack onto the Mountain Man. And there is no way in hell he can be as perfect as I dream him to be. I think that's part of where the obsessive urge to know him comes from. I want to actually know him, to make him real, I want there to be something that makes him human, something that I don't like about him so I can stop the nagging thought of, you met your soulmate and you had a taste of what it would it would be like to have a relationship with him and you said no thanks I'll stick with what I have. It hasn't helped that every time I go on a binge stalking craze and find new things out about him, they always make me like him more. 

7. Imagine the worst - this may sound counter intuitive, but imagining the worst and coming to terms with it can help relieve the fear in the first place.

Worst case... I leave my Sailor, I try to pursue the Mountain Man? Or I don't... either way it doesn't work out and I do end up alone for the rest of my days, no family of my own, no one to share my everyday nothings with. I mean I hope I wouldn't actually be alone... I'd have friends and my family but they would all eventually have their own so their time for me will dwindle...but I do have a big family, and I'm blessed to have a lot of good friends, I mean if I really ever am that lonely there should always be someone to talk to. Heck I talk to strangers all the time... but I won't lie, there's something comforting in having someone who knows you as well as a significant other does...I don't know, worst still seems pretty bad. I just need to remember that with the sheer number of people in this world, there's no way that the Sailor and the Mountain Man were the only two possible options. So if I do indeed fail at both of them, there will be others.

8. Put it on hold - sometimes you can obsess about a situation that you don't have enough information about, so put it on hold until you have enough data.

Maybe that's how I need to treat the Mountain Man obsession, that I really don't know him, I just know how it felt to spend time with him...and the cursory things I've discovered through the beauty of the internet. That there's no way I could know if he's my soulmate and there's no point in obsessing over a man you knew for two weeks and drunkenly made out with. But even writing that sentence feels like a lie because it was so much more than that. I'm pretty sure you can recognize a kindred spirit almost immediately. Regardless of if he is my soulmate, we're still two people who got along remarkably well and should at least be friends. 

9. Interrupt the conversation - an obsession is like a conversation in your head, and because it's yourself you don't even need to be polite, just interrupt yourself when you're having the obsessive thoughts. 

This will be an interesting tactic and I wonder if I can actually make it work for myself. I'm just always going to picture Doug from UP saying "Squirrel!" haha 

Well I feel like this was helpful for sure, but I think I'm really going to have to work hard at not allowing myself to go down the black hole of what ifs.