Crawling

So it's been a hectic two weeks since getting back from Cali. While I was out there the Sailor and I had a serious talk, I didn't get to say everything I had planned on saying, or with such conviction… but I got a lot of it out…

The conversation started Wednesday late afternoon when he got home from work and was lamenting how I'd almost been there a whole week and I had barely even touched him. And he was right, I was extremely standoffish the entire time that I'd been there, barely a hug hello, I was more concerned about seeing My BFF that was visiting. I don't think we even held hands… I'm sure from his perspective it certainly wasn't how he anticipated a visit from his wife after not seeing each other for almost a month. But my response was that I'm not just going to act like everything is ok.

In those three weeks between visiting him at training up in Rhode Island and the Cali trip, we had barely talked… I was ignoring most of his phone calls and only occasionally sending emails. Out of the few phone calls we had one of them I told him that I didn't  think I was ready to be married, that this wasn't how I pictured 24. I tried to explain to him how I now understood what everyone had meant about being so young to be making this decision. His response was that I know you just see the lives of all your friends and you feel like you're missing out… I really couldn't make him understand what I was trying to say…. I brought up how I didn't want to be a military wife and that if he hadn't joined than we wouldn't be married now. I lamented how maybe I should have listened to what people were saying, and he was like you don't listen to anybody especially not me. Which I scoffed at and said, ha we wouldn't be here if I didn't listen to you. That conversation ended with him saying I'm sorry I duped you into marrying me I hope it works out. The second phone call I told him I didn't want anything to do with my life anymore and I don't know how to fix that.  He said I'm sorry your life is so miserable. I said don't say it like that, don't make me feel guilty for being upset because it hurts you. He was like I was hurt when you didn't answer my phone calls for days.

So with his those two phone calls in mind.... His response to me was: Like everything is ok? What does that even mean? What do you want?! 

So in my frustration I said I want you to leave me. He said why because you want to but don't have the balls to do it.  So that was how the conversation began…

I told him about how I feel like we're not very compatible, and he wanted an example and for starters I said well I'm pretty much an atheist I will never support you if you choose to tell our children that they are sinning and going to hell. His response: you're just a skeptic, how can you be mad at me for something that's hypothetical (we've had numerous discussions about the possibility of having a child that is gay).

I told him how I find his family suffocating, that he may talk to his parents everyday but I don't even talk to my own everyday… His response: I'm sorry that my family loves you and just wants to be there for you. All you ever wanted was a family to be there for you without expecting anything else in return. And now that you have it you just hate it.

I told him that I hate the way he talks to me, that's he's disrespectful to me especially when we're around other people…how he makes me feel like I'm unwelcome and stupid when I'm meeting new people. That he constantly crosses the line between playful teasing and just being mean. His response: I do, do that and I'm sorry and it's something I need to work on. I just like making people laugh so I poke fun at someone I know who understands that I'm not being serious.

I brought up how his drinking has continually chipped away at my respect for him and that I didn't understand how all those awful things could happen and he still didn't want to change or thought anything was wrong with his behavior. His response: but I've been much better about that lately. (He's been out at sea a lot and hasn't had a car to join his fellow sailors who mostly live in Pacific Beach... So I really don't know if he's any better)

I told him about all the decisions that he's made in the last 5 years that affected our life together where I felt like he completely ignored me. How it feels like he thinks of me, but not about me. His responses: we weren't even engaged I always wanted to be in the military. I was landscaping and helping my mom. We both agreed that we would get married after I got into the military (lie….I distinctly remember him pushing to get married that summer after I graduated) I didn't want to go to Norfolk and I chose the other locations because they're high demand so that we had a greater chance of going to San Diego (if that's the case why didn't say that to me ever…..)

He said to me, you can't make me stop loving you, and I said there's nothing you can say that's magically going to make me happy. There were tears, so many tears… him saying why am I not good enough, I've never worked harder at anything, I love you, I'll do anything. Who loves you like I do? and I crumbled…. I started saying I'm so sorry you are a good man, it's me, it's my fault I'm sorry I can't be happy. It ended with us deciding that I should look into counseling…..

I don't know how to explain it, I don't understand why it happens, but bit by bit I'll lose my nerve and convictions and I don't want to hurt him, and I feel like an awful person for causing this much pain. Those are probably the main emotions he invokes in me… he makes me feel selfish and ungrateful. He asked me if I loved him, and I said of course I do, if I didn't I'd know what to do, this would be easier. His response: If you love me, we can do this. You may not always be happy, and it will be hard, but we can get through this. And I then gave way and let my husband love me….

I spoke with my mom the next day and told her everything and a lot of it she was angry about, but mostly said that I've been under too much stress compounded with the distance to make this type of a decision. That I need to make sure I do everything I can before I give up. That I should look into counseling. She said just try to relax and de-stress and have a good time.

I took her words to heart and I let go of all the anger I have towards his family and the dog and decided not to hold it against him.  I decided I wanted to enjoy being in beautiful San Diego in the home I made with my husband.  So for four days I got to be genuinely happy for the first time in months. It was nice to be with someone, to hold my hand, and cuddle, and kisses. I'm lonely. I've been lonely. Those days make me ache for a loving relationship. I want that in my life.

I went out there with plans to change my life. I wanted to get rid of the dog, I wanted to kick my sister in law out, and I was even debating asking him for a separation. I accomplished none of that and have come right back to the same situation. I brought all of this up with my Sailor and all he said was Jess has a new job now she should start paying you back, the dog will get better as he gets older, my mom said she'll come over everyday for a month and get him trained.

Instead offering the support I need... Like saying ok if this is what you need to do then I'll help smooth it over with my folks, he just asked me to try again and his throwing his parents at me. Like did he not hear the fact that I find them suffocating?? How is it that asking them to help out more with the dog seems like a good idea?!

A little over a week ago I decided to get a new car... Partially because my monthly payment is lower, sort of because the newer car has some sweet technology in it, but mostly because it was a change that I could make, that I had total control over and didn't need anyone's permission or need to care about anyone else's perceptions....

The Saturday before Easter I told my in laws that I'm officially looking for a new roommate, and I have an ad on Craigslist and have already showed the apartment a few times!

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm starting to get the ball rolling, I'm slowly crawling out of this hell hole of a life I've dug myself into.

How do you say…..

How do you say to someone who has been a huge part of your life for almost six years, hey I'd be totally fine if I never see you again, especially if it means I NEVER HAVE TO SEE YOUR FAMILY EITHER.

Like is there a nice way to say something like that? I don't really think so…but it's probably the most honest thing I could say…

My parents are all now aware of the situation for the most part, they may not know all the details, but they know how dire it all is.  None of them want me to give up just yet, they all think I should try professional counseling first, and get rid of all the other stressors in my life before making this decision. My dad also tried to remind me how much of an impact being apart can have… That it makes it very easy to focus on all the bad things and forget all the good things you like about a person.  And I said to him I know that there's a lot going on right now that could be clouding my judgement, and I know very well that the separation is not helping, but I also know that I haven't been happy since 2010.

That a lot of what's wrong are things that are not new, things that have been persisting throughout the relationship… things that I initially didn't think were important, and things I thought would change with time because he would grow up. But being home these past five months and having to spend an inordinate amount of time with his family because of the dumb dog, it's become abundantly clear that these things I thought would change as he matured, have everything to do with how he was raised and how his family functions. They are part of who he is, and he is not changing. I cannot change him, and he cannot change me, and I was never willing to just accept things as they were, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, that these short comings were just due to circumstance that they were not a result of his character.

I no longer feel that way… especially since I've been repeating the same arguments over and over again many of them for years and nothing has changed. People only change when they want to, and if I can't even open his eyes to what's wrong with how treats me and our relationship, there's no hope that he will change. My dad said that you have to find a place in the middle where maybe neither is happy about a certain issue, but you both can live with it…My retort was, well he doesn't compromise, and I'm not willing to become an old fashioned house wife, nor do I trust him at all to be a stay at home dad…

Half the time when we talk about things it doesn't feel like he's even living in reality let alone on this planet…He's impractical, irresponsible, fiscally reckless, unreliable, and never ever serious.

In order to try and "Be true to thine own self" a favorite family saying, I'm going to try and write out what I feel like I need to say…. so when I feel him trying to assuage me with guilt, and I start backing away from my own thoughts and feelings, I can read this, and know without a doubt that I thought these things, they weren't put into my head by my mother, or my friends, or some book or movie I watched. This is unadulterated me.

I know you love me, and I love you too, we wouldn't be here if that wasn't the truth. But when the price of your love is my own identity, I don't want it. I don't like who I've become since knowing you, and especially how I've been treating you over the last year. With every disappointment and frustration you have chipped at away at my love for you, that chunk of me that allows me to be patient and understanding. The part of me that sees your little quirks as cute and endearing, the part of me that just likes to stare at you when you're not looking.  I haven't felt that way in a very long time, long before I moved back to Philly. Your constant making up lyrics to songs, ridiculous analogies, always falling asleep, your pet names for me, they're just severely irritating. And now when you're not looking and I'm staring at you, it's more like I'm seething and I'm waiting for you to look at me, no longer to give you a shy smile when we break eye contact, but so that you can see the anger and resentment on my face. The things I have shouted at you when I've completely lost it are things I never wanted to be capable of saying to someone I loved.

I thought that things would be different when we moved away from your family and friends, that your drinking wouldn't be so bad, that things would be more about just us, not me constantly feeling like I come third. For once I thought I wouldn't always have to hear what ever your mother thought about for every facet of our lives. I thought that when you moved out here by yourself for those first six months that you'd have the chance to grow up a little bit, be responsible for yourself and have to budget.  But you took out that $25,000 cadet starter loan and still don't understand why I can't fathom how there was only $5,000 left by the time I got out here. All you ever say to me when I try to bring up serious situations, is that I'm harping, making mountains out of mole hills, that I never let anything go.  Maybe I have a tough time of letting things go, but I don't think that's really it, because if it was, I wouldn't be talking to any of the parental type adults in my life. I bring things up with you because it never feels like you've learned anything. I bring these things up as the proof that you're not changing, that you're making the same sort of bullshit decisions as before.  

You are a good, kind, and generous man. But that doesn't make you a good partner. I cannot rely on you, nor do I trust you to take care of anything important. You're impractical, fiscally reckless, and just irresponsible in general. You constantly cross the line between playful teasing and just being mean and hurtful. You talk to me like you're better than me. You laugh in my face when I'm trying to say something serious. You dismiss and belittle and just down right ignore the things that I say. You have made me feel like I'm crazy and unreasonable and that I should just be grateful that you put up with me. But I am not crazy for wanting more, I deserve more, and I refuse to live one more minute in this cage of a life.

Every major decision I've made about our relationship over the past 5.5 years has been out of guilt and a sense of obligation. I always loved the life you talked about us having, and I know it's something that I want eventually. I'm not ready to be settled… or to settle. I wanted to travel and live abroad and live in New York and maybe somewhere else before I moved back towards home to be near my family and start having children.  If you hadn't signed a contract to give your life to the Navy, I know you would have quit by now and moved back home. The fact that even now you say things like why wouldn't I want to live with my parents blows my mind.  I thought I was waiting for you to grow up, but after spending so much time with your family over the last 5 months it's just become abundantly clear that I'm actually waiting for you to change. People don't change, especially when they don't think anything's wrong. 

I'm done trying and waiting for things to get better. I need to move forward and I need to move on.

Alright well I feel like I got a lot of it out… maybe I need to throw in more specifics but this feels like a good start. Now I just need to grow a pair and actually say all of this…

Wish me luck!

Frustrations

So my Sailor emailed me this morning saying how he can't wait to see me this weekend and how long this week is going to be and hoping that his email finds me well and I've gotten more sleep. I started to tell him about my afternoon yesterday and then just lost it and wrote all this other shit and was about to send it and then thought, hmm maybe I shouldn't maybe this is better said in person maybe this is an ok start to the trial and error of how to say to someone get the fuck out of my life.... If you haven't  guessed it already, I'm still very worked up.

" I get back to the house yesterday afternoon and get Bow outside and right as I'm about to check that the handle is unlocked a gust of wind throws open the glass door and actually rips the chain out from the top.... and then slams the front door shut... which was locked...So I called your folks to see if they were busy and could let me back in....So I'm walking the dog in the mean time and I haven't heard from them and it's been 20 minutes so I start heading back towards the townhouse and I see them getting back into their car and I call over to them and am like oh hey you're here, and they're like yea we left the door open for you, and I'm like why didn't you call me? Which was promptly ignored because then they were swooning over Bow.... Like seriously I wasn't trying to be walking Bow any longer than necessary.... and then they come in with me for a while as I try to quickly eat something and your dad is checking out the back thinking about how he wants to set it up to be safe and Bow proof even though he's been saying he'll put up a lattice for like 2 months... and then your mom in the most passive aggressive way possible starts talking to the dog in front of me saying shit like "oh you made me cry the other night, that's right I was just crying over you when I thought mommy and daddy were going to get rid of you! and you wouldn't like hanging out with me all the time because all we would do is lie around"

Like are you fucking kidding me?? Like I don't already feel bad about the whole situation? I'm so sick and tired of letting you and your family just make me feel guilty ALL the time about so much stupid shit. Yea I may have gotten the dog for you, but that dog is mine, my life is the one most affected by having it, not anyone else's, and the amount of stress that he has caused me is beyond what I think most people would put up with. But I do it for you. But fuck that because not you or your family actually seems to really care about me, and what's best for me. Oh you think of me, I know you do, you think of my face and the things we do together and little things that remind you of me. But you don't ever fucking think ABOUT me and what's best for me and you never fucking have. If you had there's no way that you would have picked San Diego, Hawaii, and Japan after the detailed and well thought out letter I sent you of the three places I was ok with because they were still in the states and the whole military life was still freaking me out and I checked to make sure there were URS offices within 20 miles because when we fought during the summer I was in New Orleans and you first told me you were going to join the military and I flat our told you I didn't want to be a military wife that I wanted to have a career and moving around wasn't going to be conducive to that but that I'd be willing to find a job where ever you got stationed and we could move in together and I could see how I liked the military life and instead of being understanding that asking someone to sacrifice their own goals and the comfort of being close to their family and friends is a BIG FUCKING DEAL and not something you do lightly, you just guilt tripped me. Throwing shit in my face like "Oh so you're going to take me for a trial run" and basically made me feel like shit the whole summer for not being as sure about our future together as you were. So by the end of the summer after spending a magical ten days in Cali together and being disappointed you didn't ask me to marry you when we were there... I was just excited when you did and I wanted to prove to you that I did love you even if I wasn't sure about the future.....You have always known that I wasn't keen on this military thing and even knowing that, and having a written letter from me saying where I was ok with being stationed, YOU COMPLETELY IGNORED ME. I wanted to end things that night you called me and told me what you put as your list, but when I got to visiting hours and was an hour late and saw how sickly thin and tired you were I felt awful and decided to ignore the giant red flag that you don't compromise. I cannot think of a single situation where we had grossly different opinions on something and you were the one to compromise, if you can -please tell me. 

A person can only take so much disappointment and frustration before they crack. I have cracked, I am broken, and most days I barely have the will to get up out of bed and bother participating in my life. I would rather sleep forever then live another day in this cage of a life. "