Obsession

I am completely and utterly obsessed with the idea of being with the Mountain Man and it needs to stop. Firstly because if I have any shot of making things work with my Sailor I can't have this alternate reality floating in my head. Second, if it turns out that this relationship isn't salvageable and I'm back on the market in like a year...I cannot have this fictionally fantastic relationship fucking up my view of reality.

So I read some articles about how to deal with Obsession and steps you can take and what not. I really liked one in particular and I'm going to try and work through the 9 steps.

1. Name the Beast - Identify the thought, what is the fear, what is the doubt, sum it up in a few sentences or words.

I missed my shot at happiness. I chose wrong. I will feel alone forever. 

Alone. Wrong. Unhappy.

2. Pencil it in - Schedule in a time where you're actually allowed to ruminate and obsess. So you can say to yourself, not time for that, I'll do that at 8 tonight.

hmm... well clearly I shouldn't obsess during working hours, but I already suck at being efficient in the mornings... but I don't want to be thinking about him right before I sleep... I already have way too many vivid dreams that I'm too happy in... those dreams are like crack....Maybe lunchtime? when I'm eating my lunch I get to obsess, check his facebook, and twitter, and whatever other social media platform and quench my inner stalker and this undeniable urge to just know him... (see obsessed... I've officially reached crazy town)

3. Laugh at it - laughter can make almost any situation tolerable.

Well my sister helps me laugh about how absurd it is... so I guess when I'm having a particularly awful attack I can call her, or even my college friends to remind how ridiculous I'm being.

4. Throw it away - Write the obsession on a piece of paper and then throw it away. Or visualize a stop sign in your head when your thoughts go in that direction.

I don't know about this one... I like the stop sign aspect, but the paper thing... do I write out his name... or the real fears I identified in step 1....

5. Learn the lesson - most people obsess about their mistakes, so figure out what you learned.

I think this is the root of my obsession with the Mountain Man... That I'm afraid that when I was given this opportunity of leaving my Sailor and possibly pursuing something with someone completely new and exciting, I stuck with what was safe. I settled for what I had even though I clearly wasn't happy. Out of everything that has transpired over the last few months, I think I've definitely learned that settling in life is the worst disservice you can do to yourself, especially when it comes to love and the partner you chose to share the rest of your life with. The rest of your life is an unfathomable amount of time...You really do need to adore that person to make it through all the hills and valleys that await you on this hopefully scenic drive through life. 

6. Reel it in - Buried within an obsession are usually pieces of truth. You need good friends to help you separate fact from fiction.

This one scares me the most because I do have a hard time determining what aspects of my fear are the truth and what are just coming from a place of self doubt and wallowing. But then there's also the flipside to this obsession where I've placed all the qualities I'm finding my Sailor to lack onto the Mountain Man. And there is no way in hell he can be as perfect as I dream him to be. I think that's part of where the obsessive urge to know him comes from. I want to actually know him, to make him real, I want there to be something that makes him human, something that I don't like about him so I can stop the nagging thought of, you met your soulmate and you had a taste of what it would it would be like to have a relationship with him and you said no thanks I'll stick with what I have. It hasn't helped that every time I go on a binge stalking craze and find new things out about him, they always make me like him more. 

7. Imagine the worst - this may sound counter intuitive, but imagining the worst and coming to terms with it can help relieve the fear in the first place.

Worst case... I leave my Sailor, I try to pursue the Mountain Man? Or I don't... either way it doesn't work out and I do end up alone for the rest of my days, no family of my own, no one to share my everyday nothings with. I mean I hope I wouldn't actually be alone... I'd have friends and my family but they would all eventually have their own so their time for me will dwindle...but I do have a big family, and I'm blessed to have a lot of good friends, I mean if I really ever am that lonely there should always be someone to talk to. Heck I talk to strangers all the time... but I won't lie, there's something comforting in having someone who knows you as well as a significant other does...I don't know, worst still seems pretty bad. I just need to remember that with the sheer number of people in this world, there's no way that the Sailor and the Mountain Man were the only two possible options. So if I do indeed fail at both of them, there will be others.

8. Put it on hold - sometimes you can obsess about a situation that you don't have enough information about, so put it on hold until you have enough data.

Maybe that's how I need to treat the Mountain Man obsession, that I really don't know him, I just know how it felt to spend time with him...and the cursory things I've discovered through the beauty of the internet. That there's no way I could know if he's my soulmate and there's no point in obsessing over a man you knew for two weeks and drunkenly made out with. But even writing that sentence feels like a lie because it was so much more than that. I'm pretty sure you can recognize a kindred spirit almost immediately. Regardless of if he is my soulmate, we're still two people who got along remarkably well and should at least be friends. 

9. Interrupt the conversation - an obsession is like a conversation in your head, and because it's yourself you don't even need to be polite, just interrupt yourself when you're having the obsessive thoughts. 

This will be an interesting tactic and I wonder if I can actually make it work for myself. I'm just always going to picture Doug from UP saying "Squirrel!" haha 

Well I feel like this was helpful for sure, but I think I'm really going to have to work hard at not allowing myself to go down the black hole of what ifs.

Progress

So I should really be sleeping right now but honestly my whole internal clock has just been off for months. Getting out of my bed in the mornings has been the hardest part of my day, I could very easily spend the whole day in bed. I'm slipping at work, I can feel it. I should be getting in earlier and staying longer and working overtime with how busy I am, but it's been so difficult just managing to put in the bare minimum to get my hours in and do what has to be done that the idea of going above and beyond like I usually would, seems so unattainable. After my last post my two closest friends had very strong reactions to my sudden change of heart per say…

I ended up lashing out at both of them and saying purposefully hurtful things because there's nothing misery loves more than company. It's hard for me to understand that for everyone else, this situation seems like a no brainer, that they can't understand why I would even want to stay. For me, so much of the bullshit that goes on, I've become numb to and don't even recognize it for the crap that it is. This is part of the reason I started this blog, to help keep myself accountable. That night when I got home from work I immediately called the employee assistance program through work and began my slow journey of progress.

I've been to two therapy sessions now, I officially kicked my sister in law out, and have found new roommates. I'm still on the fence about the dog and have decided I'll keep him for a month or two with these new roommates and then decide one way or another then. Either he's too much of a burden when I have so much else going on in my life, or I can handle that burden for the trade off of having a fatty fur ball to cuddle up with.

I ended up going out with my First Everything last week. We went to the batting cages, got dinner and drinks. He paid, and we joked it was the date he never took me on.  To be fair neither of us had a car nor regular cash flow….when we were in high school. It'd been about 2 years since we'd last seen each other in person, it was just so nice to be with someone who knew me so well before I met my sailor. Someone who knew me better even than my best friends. Our relationship didn't end well at all, it was actually very nasty and hurtful, but about a year later he apologized for how he handled it and said he still loved me, but I was already with my Sailor. Spending time with the First reassured me that I am not all the things that the sailor has made me feel over the years. To be treated with respect and like I was special was an amazing change of pace. It was just the sort of self esteem boost I needed to write a very straight forward and mostly harsh email to the Sailor.

No sugar coating, not even a little. I told him how I no longer feel lucky to have him in my life that I can no longer see the happy future, that all I see are fights and disappointment. How I just see it getting worse when we have kids. I told him that it may take two people to get married but it only takes one to get divorced. I told him that I don't need his permission or acceptance to walk away from this. I told him that I don't have to like his family, or have a relationship with his mom, or keep the dog. That I don't have to give him the chance to prove to me that our relationship can be more and better, but that I am because I love him. I admitted to being harsh but said I was no longer going to be sorry or feel guilty for wanting more. That I grew up with a family dynamic that I had to learn to deal with because I couldn't control it, but that this I do. I chose to be with him, and I can choose to leave. That I'm not going to just "accept" things how they are and be grateful for what I have when  I know deep down I deserve more.

His email response was two days later and was mostly favorable I guess. It felt like he was finally hearing me and accepting his role in this situation. Saying how he's not going to give up on our marriage that I'm the love of his life, that he'll work with his parents to lay out some things. How it pains him to admit that his "bullheaded jackassery" has culminated in my withdrawing from him. How he never meant to push me away this way but that all he's every known is an argument is something to be won by any means necessary. There was lots of rambling, flowery language and tons of flattery. But he doesn't think that we need to be different people, that we just need to be more open and understanding, and a team first and foremost.

He may be able to become a better partner, but I still don't know if that is enough for me. There are things that I thought I was just apathetic about, but now I'm realizing I actually do care. Especially when it comes to what children of mine would be influenced by and exposed to. I'm at a point where I don't know if I like my husband enough to subject myself and my future offspring to his family for the rest of my life. It would be one thing if I believed different things than his family and they lived in another state and we only dealt with them during holidays and family trips. That will never be the relationship with his family. They are so co-dependent.

The therapist used the terms enmeshment, emotional incest, surrogate spouse. These are all the things that need to be overcome for us to actually have a healthy relationship. And all of these things, I cannot do anything about. They will only change if my Sailor recognizes their existence and wants to address them.

I'm going to keep going to therapy and work on getting back to a happy place, but I'm losing hope in the possibility that there's a light at the end of the tunnel for this relationship.